Film: Eastern Promises

So, we sit down to check out the latest Viggo Mortenson flick, Eastern Promises. We're sitting there, pleasantly watching -- me, my fiance, her dad, and his Ukrainian wife. We're thinking: hey, it's about the Russian Mafia, so it'll be a good watch and the Ukrainian will be able to enjoy it (incidentally, she figured out the plot before any of us native English speakers did. She's hella smart).

Within 30 minutes, we're assaulted by a glorious vision of fingers being cut off at the bone, bloody afterbirth (including a near cutting of the cord), a throat being slit, and Viggo going to town on a Russian whore.

I'm no prude, but really, was any of that necessary?

Why is it that whenever my in-laws are in town we end up renting the most morbid, twisted, sick movies available at the Videorama? Hey, my fiancé picked it!

It was actually a good flick, with just enough action to keep the dudes intrigued, and enough sexual tension to keep it within the chick flick realm. Viggo sure likes ultra-violence, even in his romantic movies....

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Now playing: Earworm - Funky Goes To Hollywood (Wild Cherry vs. Frankie Goes To Hollywood)
via FoxyTunes

300: Beautiful Bigotry Writ Large

300 is one of the most visually stunning films ever made. It is easily the greatest visual masterpiece of the year. But as much as I loved the film, I hated it just as much. For all the lush colors and ultra violence, there's a disagreeable story lurking just beneath the surface. The subtext of the film is blatantly offensive and just plain bigoted. I would not recommend this film be viewed by impressionable teenagers, which is who it seems to unfortunately be marketed toward.

300 suffers from several flaws that make it disturbing to watch. Like eating a candied apple that has ground glass inside, you will probably enjoy it, then walk away from the experience feeling like something is terribly wrong.

Racism

I don't understand why Hollywood seems to insist its audience is entirely white, but 300's biggest flaw is caused precisely by this never-ending delusion. Not only are we to believe the Spartans are all Anglos (a matter the history books would disagree with vehemently), we're also expected to believe the Persians were a bunch of mulattoes and Negroids in eyeliner.

The Persians, in fact, are quite diverse, as opposed to the Spartan army. There are black envoys, ambassadors, and messengers from Persia. There are, of course, some Caucasians in the Persian army as well, and even a couple of Asians thrown in for good measure. There are also a number of freakish, monstrous-looking warriors and slaves in the Persian army. There are also any number of criminals associated with the Persian army. I gather, we're to equate diversity with ugliness, slavery, and criminality then?

The message seems quite clear almost from the start of 300: namely, that it's about the final, great white stand against an onslaught of racial hegemony. No, Matt Drudge, this isn't quite an analogy you can easily apply to the Iraq war, but it's an ugly allegory all the same.

Homophobia

Perhaps just as specious as the overt ethnocentrism is this underlying tone of homophobia that's more than blatant throughout the film. I won't draw a conclusion about Greek eroticism (it's been done), but we're led to believe the entire reason the Spartans choose to fight is because the Athenians chose to and they're a bunch of (ahem) "fag" philosophers. The Spartans, not wanting to be shown up, are obliged to enter this suicidal conflict against the Persians as a show of masculinity. In essence, gays are to blame for the Spartans getting involved. Sad scapegoating apparently goes back thousands of years.

This isn't the only outright homophobia in 300 either. At one point, we're treated to viewing Xerxes' concubine, which, of course, has a plethora of tongue-licking, erotic lesbians there as an enticement, and a number of activities that would make a typical S&M gathering look tame in comparison. Not to mention Xerxes himself, who's pierced to the nines and could easily double as a draq queen stand-in for Ru Paul, with all that makeup and those perfectly manicured long nails.

In other words, we're supposed to believe the Spartans are a bunch of masculine, white, heterosexual males fighting against an onslaught of diverse queers, freaks, and sexual deviants, despite the historical evidence that shows the Greeks were probably a bunch of pederasts who were probably more morally twisted than the Persians themselves ever were.

Conservative Politics

There is a strong undertone of "family values" being the drive behind the 300's choice to fight. They do so to protect their families and to ensure the sovereignty of Sparta. Supposedly, none of the Persians have families. Their only motivation is a bloodthirsty desire to bugger the residents of Greece and enslave all the hot Spartan women? Excuse me? Something just doesn't jive.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Perhaps the biggest flaw with 300 was also the most obvious. So obvious, in fact, that most people won't notice it at all. Here we have 300 men in the Battle of Thermopylae squaring off against 1 million+ Persians. According to history, the 300 successfully vanquished around 20,000 Persians. This, of course, begs the question: what happened to all the blood?

The fight choreography is stunningly poetic. Limbs get lobbed off and digital blood goes flying everywhere in slow motion in several scenes. But why is it that none of the Spartans are covered in blood? Not even their hands? Even their weapons look clean after supposed hours-long battles. Not that I wanted to see the blood, but there's something disturbingly wrong about a movie that exhibits all this violence like it's a pleasant music video, but conveniently leaves out all the blood. It's almost as if it's trying to say the act of killing is clean when it's a Persian who's being killed. Blood is a powerful symbol in storytelling. The decision to leave it out is very telling.

Only Hotties live in Sparta

From the start, it's explained that defective babies (namely, runts and those born with deformities) were discarded by the Spartans by being tossed off a cliff into a pile of bones below. This, apparently, has resulted in the world's most skilled warriors. So skilled, in fact, that they all sport perfect 6-packs as they walk toward battle, shirtless in all their conviction. Hollywood seems to have forgotten there was such a thing as a bronze breastplate. There is no room for deviation, either. Hunchbacks and old folk have no place in the Spartan army. In fact, there are no fat people, no ugly people, and no people with deformities in Sparta. Oh, and the women? They were all perfect 10's. Even the peasant working women.

Sexism

If there's anything 300 wants to get right, it's the depiction of how Spartans treated their women. Spartan women were, in fact, the leaders of their society. It was necessary for the women to be able to run things while their husbands were off fighting wars. Sparta was one of the only places in the Classical world where a girl could get an education. What's sad about 300, however, is the lack of many women at all in the story. There is one powerful woman in the film (the Queen) and she's fairly powerless, and ends up being victimized (and later vindicated, fortunately). The entire concept of femininity doesn't seem to exist in Sparta. Women are nothing but baby-making machines, even if they do produce Spartan men. There's something very wrong about showing this to teenage boys, mind you.

Despite all these issues (and I'm sure there are more that I didn't catch), 300 is a solid piece of beautiful celluloid work. It's quite gorgeous to look at, kind of like a Haute Couture model who's hiding an eating disorder and a nasty coke habit. But just as you wouldn't want your kids hanging out with Kate Moss, you should probably keep them from watching this one unless they have a sound enough mind to think for themselves. Sure, it's fun to watch America's Next Top Model, but would you really want to bring one home to mom? Sheesh.

Sifted: 8/10

Game: Need For Speed: Carbon (PS2)

EA's latest release in the Need For Speed franchise is an improvement over it's last, befuddled attempt to further its position in the smothered field of Arcade Racing games. The market is glutted with Arcade racers right now, thereby causing the studios to release games that aren't quite ready for prime time. Fortunately, the gameplay in Carbon is adequate enough to make the experience worthwhile.

Gameplay - Just like EA's last release, Need For Speed: Most Wanted, Carbon continues the old routine of trying to make racing mean something. I don't know why they've decided racing games require all the drama of vindication and revenge, but so long as it doesn't hurt the gameplay, I can live with the cheesy plot devices.

Drift racing is back this time around, but it's a real disaster and ruins this game's chances of achieving gaming perfection. The cars are difficult to control and ultimately, this seems like a tacky add-on that should have been scrapped to retain the game's integrity.

Controls have improved since the last release, with 10 options for controller layout. Cars are more responsive and actually drive with the physics one would expect. There are additions to the gameplay that hint at something much grander coming down the pipe with this genre. Something called "Crew" racing seems to be on the minds of the developers at EA, and I think they're really onto something. In Career mode, you now race with a "Wing man" who can assist you in three different styles: by Colliding with competing racers, by Scouting ahead for secret pathways, or by giving you speed boost via Drafting. The Wingman concept is really strong and would allow for some incredible racing via XBox Live, but this is PlayStation 2 I'm reviewing because my Xbox is, sadly, down with the flu, so I don't even know if it's an option for Xbox players.

Career Mode also requires you to choose your favorite style of car from the start, so you can expect to be behind the wheel of a Tuner, an Exotic, or a Muscle Car from the beginning. Not sure if that's such a good idea, since some racers like multiple car types and being locked into one may seem confining. In addition to all these new concepts, racing now involves capturing and defending territories against rival racing teams (racers who also race with a wingman). This requires more strategy than one is accustomed to in a standard racing game, which is very interesting.

As always, you can customize your car to your heart's content, and the new Autosculpt feature gives you even greater control over your artistic bent, allowing you to customize your car in millions of different ways.

Interface & Graphics - The Interface of Carbon is really not too different from the last release. There has been a marked improvement in the ability to jump directly to races via the WorldMap. This saves a lot of time and releases the player from having to deal with the tedium of avoiding cops all the time, as we did in Most Wanted. Graphics seem the same, but for some reason the cars look more realistic, less cartoony. The backgrounds are quite an improvement from Most Wanted. The cut scenes are similar to Most Wanted, with live action which has been altered to resemble animation. However, there are some serious frame rate issues this time around that were not present in the last release. Not sure if the developers were rushed to get this out the door before Christmas, but gameplay can get choppy/glitchy at times. Not sure if this is merely a PS2 problem or if it affects all consoles similarly.

Artificial Intelligence - The AI in Carbon is leaps and bounds ahead of what was presented in Most Wanted. Cop chases are remarkably realistic from the start and their chase patterns seem much better coordinated and challenging, bordering on belligerent. Rival racers are also more apt to cause frustration early on in the game, which is actually a welcome addition for a racing game of this type.

Sound - As always, the soundtrack in this Need For Speed release is superior to what you will find in most racing games. Whoever is in charge of licensing the music for this deserves a raise. You can always count on a Need For Speed game to have some of the freshest music out there. My only complaint is that I wish there was more than 30 or so songs here. Why not include all that older music you have licensed from earlier releases of the game? After a while, hearing the same collection of songs can get tedious, even when they are great songs. The Sound Effects are first rate, as always. The cars seem to have their own distinctive engine sounds, although, I did not notice much change in sound when changing muffler tips. The voice acting is good, but the new Crew racers can get a bit grating, as they are somewhat repetitive (but also entertaining at times).

Utilities - The mechanics of the game are almost identical to Most Wanted. Being able to jump to races eliminates the tedious need to free roam through the city and that's a good thing, since most of the city is empty until you defeat bosses from recently conquered districts. There is a new card collecting feature, but it's a bit of a mystery that doesn't immediately present itself.

Problems -

• Glitchy frame rate problems.
• Cops are very persistent from the start, bordering on relentless.
• Drift Racing is back, but it's a complete and total disaster. Controlling your car on a sheet of ice would be more fun.
  
• This is not a racing game for beginners or the faint of heart. If you have not played a racing game before, you would be better off starting somewhere else. If you are a fan of the Need For Speed franchise, this is an excellent title to add to your library. Much better than the annoyance that was Most Wanted.
  
• Licensed cars for this release seem really scattered. On the one hand, you have licenses for Porsche and Ferrari, but old staples of the Need For Speed franchise, like the Dodge Neon, are nowhere to be found. There are no SUVs or Pickup Trucks. Want to race your own whip? It's unlikely you'll find it among the roughly 50 cars licensed in this release.

Sifted: 8/10