Unexpected Opera Master

Battle of the Dorks: American Idol Winner is...

Jordin Sparks.

Tonight was more than mildly entertaining.

First off, Kelly Clarkson should stick to gowns, not wear halter-tops and low-rise hip-huggers that showcase her muffin top. Jenny Craig or cocaine. Pick one.

Jordin Sparks won, as it should be. The girl has pipes, and considering she's only 17, I expect we'll be seeing a lot of her. She's so endearing and annoying at the same time, kind of like a younger sister.

What seemed peculiar about the show was how Britney Spears was a no-show. God knows, we watched the entire show in dire expectation that she would make a puke-worthy performance "grand" appearance.

Speaking of "grand appearances," what was up with that Slick Rick Dougie Fresh/Blake joint? That was actually noteworthy and left us wondering: WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE DO THAT LAST NIGHT?!?!?

We're pissed off because the show ran long and our DVR ended a full 5 minutes before they announced the winner. WTF? That's just not cool, FOX. Think of the millions of people who came home to watch your bogus show only to be disappointed by your lack of premature congratulations. End on time, dammit!

TV: Painkiller Jane (SCI)

Time to embrace the suck. The Sci-Fi channel has been so busy gushing over this program that it was bound to be a disappointment. Kristanna Loken, though pretty, just doesn't have the wherewithal to be the ball buster her role demands. Her face is simply not expressive enough, so her acting was nowhere near superb, and her double-lazy-eye trick has already grown tiresome after the lame-ass pilot episode. Are you flirting with me or are you just tired?!?!

The story is formulaic as hell, with the typical tactical squad composed of the brute, the hacker, the nerdy doctor, and the boss. The black guy, who was supposed to be some sort of backup/support agent has already been killed off. How many ways can you say cliché? And none of these blokes has an ounce of a personality! With characters this boring, it's obvious this show won't make it to a second season. Hold off on buying that condo in Malibu, guys.

Last but not least, just how successful can a story be about a heroine with the powers to heal herself?

So she's indestructible. Big Freakin' Deal!

I would be more interested in a character who could spontaneously make burritos out of his own toe jam. What on earth could make these guys at the Sci-Fi channel grasp at so tenuous a straw? Seriously.

In a city with a thousand stories, why can't Hollywood find one that's even mildly entertaining anymore?

Meal or No Meal

Fun, especially for fans of the show. I really don't enjoy the show much; it seems like it doesn't require much skill and is way too dependent on the luck of the draw. Personally, I'd rather throw Howie Mandel into a wood chipper than watch, but this online game is actually entertaining.

[Meal or No Meal]

TV: Bizzare Foods with Andrew Zimmern (TRVL)

I tuned into this show because Anthony Bourdain was on the other night (I missed that show, unfortunately). This week's episode was in Morocco as the host, Andrew Zimmern, made his way across the country filling his fat American maw with a number of disgusting meats. I'm no vegetarian, but after watching Andrew snarf down a goat eye, I am seriously considering it.

This guy makes Anthony Bourdain's show look tame, but I suppose that's gonna happen, considering how Bourdain's show really focuses on the places he visits, while Bizzare Foods seems to be about finding the grossest food around the world. It reminds me of the Crocodile Hunter, but for culture and food, not animal conservation.

Mmm. Lamb's Head, Pigeon Pie and Stingray.... Andrew certainly has a talented for descriptions, saying this about Goat Cous Cous: "It's not so much that you can taste the hay and straw in the flesh itself, but if you close your eyes I think you can."

Bizarre Foods is on the Travel Channel at 6PM and 9PM on Monday nights. Don't say we didn't warn you.

TV: Ninja Warrior (G4)

I have enjoyed this show since I first discovered it on G4 last Summer. Each cycle consists of 100 competitors trying to get through 3 stages. Most don't make it past the 1st stage. Hilarity often ensues as the amateurs attempt to get through the first stage, often times taking horrible spills in the process. Only a handful of hardcore enthusiasts have trained (yes, trained) hard enough to make it to the third stage. I lost interest in this show after watching two cycles and seeing that no one could win.

Now it appears someone has finally won. As far as I know, this is only the 2nd person to ever win the challenge in several years of running on Japanese television.

TV: The Apprentice: LA (NBC)

The world's worst toupee is back! This time he's doing his thing in the world's sanitarium: Los Angeles. Though the show has gone all bi-coastal by moving to the west coast, it's essentially the same show, with just a couple of new twists. This time, the losing teams are forced to camp outside, in a tent, with a makeshift shower and camping kitchen. Apparently, the added hardship is supposed to build tension, somehow. Also, the winning team's Project Manager now has the privilege of sitting in the boardroom while the Trump fires someone. These are interesting changes to the show, but I wonder if the new change in the game will be too difficult to overcome for the losing team.

This week's fired Apprentice:

Martin, the eccentric, southern, professor, attorney.

Meanwhile, it's clear that this cat isn't gonna win. Chalk it up to hair envy:


I do wonder if the bad ratings for the Apprentice:LA are due to a lack of interest in the show or because of bad marketing? I am a huge fan and I didn't even know it was on this last Sunday night (9PM, ET/PT). Fortunately for me, I was able to set my DVR to record it when it's broadcast on another channel Monday night. I set up the series recording to keep me on track from here on out. There appear to be some heavy hitters this time around, and the cast consists of plenty of hotness. Can't wait to see the beach challenge.... At least who gets fired that day shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, after Trump gets a view of their nearly naked bodies bikini-clad carcasses.

TV: Shooting Sizemore (VH1)

A few days ago, I happened to stumble upon the debut episode for Shooting Sizemore on VH1.

Like a train wreck, Shooting Sizemore is the pinnacle of voyeurism. Focusing on the fallen, drug-addled celebrity, Tom Sizemore, and his attempt to comeback from drug addiction and legal troubles with his ex-wife, Heidi Fleiss. This is an ultra-slick, documentary-style program that pulls no punches. Obviously stylized to death by Viacom, it fortunately doesn't lose its grit.

Starting on the day Sizemore is released from drug rehab (for Meth and Heroine abuse), we're privy to a ticking time bomb. Tom's agent has hired a tag-along actor to watch his every move (24 hours a day) and otherwise keep him out of trouble. Having lost his home to bankruptcy, Sizemore ends up in a hotel near the Santa Monica pier.

Will his self-imposed sobriety last? Can he recover from his legal woes? Will he make a comeback and reclaim his once-awesome Hollywood career?

This is a show that has a lot at stake, unlike so much other reality fodder out there. One can't help but feel sorry for Sizemore. There's something familiar about him, something that makes you want to help the poor guy out. But there's also something menacing about him, like a dog that's been abused. You can't help but watch to see who gets bitten.

Apple TV Underhyped

Perhaps more intriguing than the massively hyped iPhone is the release of Apple TV. This is a promising gadget that extends your media from your computer to your TV.

An iPhone is a nice toy, but it doesn't really re-invent the wheel. It's a phone, people! Get over it!

Apple TV, on the other hand, is the true innovation here. It offers viewers the ability to sync all their media between their computers (up to 5) and their TV. The implications of such a device are mindboggling. Every TV show, movie, Mp3, photo, and so on, can be uploaded (wired, or via WiFi) to the Apple TV box, where you can then watch (or listen) on your television. Now think of the fact that this will run you a mere $299. This is clearly an answer to the overbearing cable box that takes a chunk out of your wallet every month. Buy one of these, cut off your oppressive cable (yeah you, Comcast, you thieves), and you can recoup your expenses in a few short months.

My only complaint is the tiny 40 GB drive. Most downloaded movies run about 5 GB, so the Apple TV may be a temporary storage device that only functions to shuttle video, rather than store it. Fortunately, you will also be able to stream media directly from your computers (up to 5 of them), bypassing Apple TV's hard drive entirely.

I've never been a fan of Apple products. Being an avid gamer, I can't conceive of buying a Powerbook and dooming my addiction; but I might have to look more closely at what can be done with Apple TV. Sure, an iPhone will be a nice toy (once I can afford the hefty $499 price for the entry model), but the Apple TV is a killer app that could be more useful to me right now.

Website: MythBusters Results

Results from every MythBusters episode ever made.
Fascinating reading.

[MythBusters Results]

TV: The O.C. Cancelled!

Here's a pic of Benjamin McKenzie from The O.C. putting on his acting face to express anger, frustration, surprise, disappointment, elation or boredom. Take your pick.

Seriously, this guy's facial expressions change as often as it rains in the Gobi desert. A furrowed brow does not good acting make, kid.

Apparently, in this pic he just learned his show is getting axed. Go figure.

Website: Pickandwatch.com

So, since I recommended TV Links yesterday, I have to give props to yet another streaming TV site I just discovered today. Unlike TV Links, which seems to focus on animé and cartoons a bit much for my adult tastes, Pickandwatch is a full-fledged TV Portal that's all about movies, TV, and links to other media sites. Watching tv has never been so easy. I even downgraded our cable service, seeing as how it's easier to find stuff online than it is on Comcast's goofy, greedy, gluttonous On Demand service.

NOTE: Eeeks, I didn't see that tab to adult sites. Best not let the kiddies on this one....

[Pickandwatch.com]

You've Been X-ed!!!

Okay, so Jamie Kennedy annoys me. Something about his facial expressions just seem wrong. His voice is snarky, he resembles an aardvark, and ... well, he acts just like that one irritating dude in your high school chemistry class.

Yet, whenever I come across his show, JKX: The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, I'm transfixed. Not by him, but by the elaborate schemes the show thinks up to trick people.

In one episode, the victim, a guy who speaks Japanese fluently, was lured to a sushi restaurant by friends. The owner, played by Jamie, was a bumbling, LA, sissyfied, fussbucket. His wife, a Japanese woman, was having an affair with one of the sushi preps (played by the same guy who plays Hiro on Heroes, incidentally), and openly oversharing embarrassing tidbits (in Japanese, of course) about her husband. The victim, thinking he was the only one who understood their exchange, was then put on the spot to clue the owner in. Not only was it a cruel trick, but it also tested the ethics of the victim.

See, what bothers me about The Jamie Kennedy Experiment is his power to embarrass you, severely, for the rest of your life. And something unnerves me about that power being in the hands of Jamie Kennedy and his bunch of clever pranksters.

This show is more complex and probing than a show like, say Punk'd, which essentially does the same thing for a younger target audience. Working in the tradition of Candid Camera and really stretching the boundaries seem to be Jamie's order of the day. Unfortunately, like a wrecked train, I can't take my eyes off the show whenever I come across it!

Sifted: 7/10

Website: TV Links

This is the best website I've come across in, oh, all year. Get caught up on all your favorite shows.

What I wonder is: why can't our cable company offer us this same service? After all, we already pay upwards of $50/month. One would think being able to watch anything in the lineup would be a great add-on. And no, On Demand just doesn't cover it.

Okay, so the legality of this site is questionable, so who knows how long it'll stay up, but at least you don't really need to download anything. It plays right on the website's player. Too cool.

[TV Links]

TV: Dexter (SHOW)

Dexter easily qualifies as one of my favorite new shows this year. The story of a serial killer who works in Miami Homicide as a Blood Spatter Specialist. The concept is so very meta--about a serial killer who kills murderers. You'll find yourself feeling a bit disturbed the first few times you find yourself rooting for him to actually kill someone.

Sifted: 10/10

The first season just ended, which means there will be a DVD coming shortly so everyone can get caught up. If you can't wait, however, here's a hook up where you can watch the whole season. Don't say I never gave you anything.

[TV Links - Dexter]

TV: Next Top Model: Brittish Invasion

The CW is going to go all BBS on us on Dec. 13th (8-10 PM) and 20th (8-10PM), when they will be showing us the British season of Next Top Model, all scrunched up into two shows. Apparently, gossip mongers are saying the show is superior to the American version, not only because Gwyneth Paltrow says so, but because the girls are actually model-worthy.

(British models don't smile? Heh heh.)

TV: America's Next Top Model (CW)

So, I haven't bothered entering the fray regarding this masterpiece of reality programming because it's just so obvious! America's Next Top Model (CW - Wednesdays 8/7c) is truly one of the best shows on TV these days, exploiting the very fabric of 2nd Generation Reality TV programming in such a way that it will be a cold day in hell before this show falls out of primetime. The formula is simple: put a bunch of cute wannabe models in a house and have them compete for cash and prizes. Not only is this appealing to female viewers, but to males as well. This is a show that has truly been designed to appeal to everyone. Even Twiggy is there, representing for all the old birds has beens!

Perhaps the best thing about this program is how these ladies are tied to contracts that extend beyond the production. Winning the title is not only good for the model, but undoubtedly benefits the show as well. It's a win win!

Already, we're seeing members of the cast doing spin-offs (Jay Manuel has a show on fashion, and Tyra Banks has her own talkshow).

Who doesn't like a bunch of petty, catty women, always on the verge of scratching each others eyes out? Especially when they're hot!

Sifted: 10/10

Note to Miss Jay: Lose the Flock of Seagulls hair. You don't look like a bird of paradise; you look like a turd with spikes clown in a headvice.

PS. So long, Brooke (bottom row, center). Sorry you missed your graduation to be on one of the best TV programs of your generation.

VS Battle: Hell's Kitchen vs. Top Chef

VS

In this week's VS. Battle we have two Reality TV giants: Hell's Kitchen in one corner and Top Chef in the other. Since Top Chef debuted last week on Bravo, it's time to bring this post back and remix it.

Like all Reality TV shows, each of these programs have positive and negative traits that make them variably appealing to different types of viewers. The real question is: which is better?

Hell's Kitchen (FOX) pits aspiring chefs against each other as they try to run a restaurant, all while being chastised and berated by master chef, Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay is nothing short of foul in his method of hurling insults, sometimes referring to chefs as "fat pigs" and "donkeys." He is nothing less than obnoxious, rude, cheauvanistic, pompous, arrogant and downright cruel. He does everything in his power to give Brits a bad name. Unfortunately, Ramsay's petulant tirades are one of the show's more appealing aspects, because Hell's Kitchen certainly doesn't do anything to showcase the food or the skills of the competitors. In the end, the winner is not the best cook of the bunch, but the most capable of taking abuse while prepping kitchen service. If the aspiring chefs on this show are taught anything about food, the viewers rarely see it. Sadly, the sole judging by Chef Ramsay leaves a lot to be desired, opening various opportunities for favoritism or worse, personal prejudism.

Problem:

• Challenges don't really change from week to week. The chefs merely engage in cooking for Hell's Kitchen, angering patrons, getting yelled at by Chef Ramsay, then being punished for their poor performance when they lose, or being inadequately rewarded when they win. This makes for tedious television after week four, when Ramsay's insults start falling on the deaf ears of everyone, including the competitors.
• This show seems to be pandering to the lowest common denominator. The sad thing is that Hell's Kitchen could easily be reproduced in any industry. All it takes is someone with a big mouth and 20 people willing to take his crap.
  

Top Chef (Bravo), on the other hand, features chefs of considerable skill and budding talent cooking their own dishes. This season's opener has thrown down the gauntlet. These people know how to cook! The focus here is the food, not the egotistical rantings of a solitary judge on a quest for better book sales. In fact, the presence of multiple judges makes for a more egalitarian selection when it comes to winners and losers. Where Hell's Kitchen is like a vile dictatorship, Top Chef is run like a true republic. When someone wins this show, they truly deserve it on the basis of their cooking talent. Challenges change from week to week, so by the end of the program, the viewer has been treated to seeing a cook's true repertoire. But the lack of a power-mongering troll on Top Chef doesn't take away from the dramatic flair or conflict here; in fact, this show is ten times more anxiety-inducing than Hell's Kitchen because of the spicy interrelationships of the competitors. Perhaps most importantly, this show is educational. Viewers are treated to looking at food in an entirely new way: namely, from the perspective of an educated consumer, or foodie. The sophisticated things being done with food will make you want to sign up at the nearby Cordon Bleu school.

Problem:

• Being on Bravo places this show in an unfortunate cable ghetto. One of the large networks needs to buy this one and put it on Primetime fast; clearly, Top Chef is better than most of the fodder that the networks have there currently.
• Watching Top Chef will make your mouth water. A viewer is repeatedly stricken with remorse as the show features demi-glazed lamb shanks or black truffles. Definitely watch this one after you've eaten your Big Mac and fries. Here's a link to this week's winning recipe! How cool is that?!?!
  

Winner: Top Chef

TV: Project Runway Shocker

First of all, this is clearly one of the best 2nd Generation Reality TV programs being produced. I'm not, however, certain that last night's finale did justice to the designers who didn't win.

Jeffery presented his work first. He had an awesome collection, granted, but it would seem it looked much better up close than from a distance. Some of the garments looked like they had been produced from curtains and tablecloths! Of course, the zipper work was immaculate, and some of the leather pieces he--ahem--created were truly admirable. There was a question that was brought up in the last show by his competitors of whether or not he had done all the stitching himself. And though the producers did an exhaustive accounting of his receipts, there was one item that remained questionable AND he went over budget by $200! To be frank, his $8000 collection did not look like it was worth that much. The theme of his collection was disjointed and it didn't even reflect his Rock and Roll spirit very well.

Uli's collection was perhaps the most surprising. She gets all her inspiration from her tropical environment in Miami (we've heard this 10 times before, on every previous show, in fact). Her whispy collection was at once youthful and beautiful. She got a little carried away with the hippy prints, which may have cost her the competition, but her cuts and stitching were clearly the best of the three. There was a certain creativity to her collection that the other three designers lacked. And her outfits were utilitarian as well. One could see her models in a number of different environments wearing what Uli created. Personally, I thought her outfits shined above the rest, and though I don't like her very much, I feel her collection was the strongest.

Laura presented her work, which was astonishingly beautiful, composed mostly of evening wear, with ornate, ultra-chic cocktail dresses. This collection actually had a theme, but it felt a bit antiquated, and old fashioned. I could see someone wearing these outfits in the 1930's or the 1950's. Not so much today. Although, celebrities on their way to the red carpet would be wise to contact Laura. Her collection looked like it was worth $30,000. Not bad on an $8,000 budget.

Finally, Michael, oh Michael.... His collection, much like Uli's, was chasing after this trendy Urban Safari theme. Uli did it ten times better, though. Michael, who was probably the most talented designer this season, proceeded to have a showing that flopped. Where Uli created elegant, airy pieces, Michael devolved into ghetto-fabulousness. Not only were his clothes a bit tight and hoochy, but he had the worst models of the bunch! These were clearly dresses made for strong URBAN women (or should I just say black women?) The skinny, pale, sad-looking models that strutted his stuff did it no justice whatsoever. His work was sexy and sultry, but the models couldn't make it look good. He needed a troupe of chicken-eating sisters to parade his gowns, instead he ended up with heroine-addled, bulimic, half-asleep chicken heads. And though he won the popular vote by the viewers (and even the crowd's approval at the show), his clothes were clearly not something the average white female could pull off without a few random implants.

Anyway, Jeffery won. Don't ask me why. Uli's collection made his look sophomoric. But oh well.

Project Runway 3 Finale Michael Knight

Oh no he didn't!