Review: Far Cry 2 (XBox 360)

Wow, I've never seen such a beautiful game marred by sluggish controls and generally bad gameplay.

You play as a mercenary in an African country on the brink of civil unrest. Your mission: find the person arming both sides in the conflict--aka The Jackal--and eliminate him.

Ubisoft went out of their way to give Far Cry 2 a lush landscape, full of captivating imagery, a massive, open gameworld, and incredible audio. Problem is: it's a hot mess.

First of all, the gameplay is frustrating. Ubisoft pulled out all the stops and wanted to give us a massive gaming world to play through. Unfortunately, this is what gets in the way of enjoying the campaign! You are given missions that are usually on the other side of the map. And the map is huge, mind you. We're talking miles. Each mission seems to relish in sending us on a 5-10 minute trek just to get to the mission! And that's not the most irksome part! There are armed guards and patrols that come at you relentlessly. So by the time you actually get to the mission, you may be running low on ammo, and/or injured and low on health packs. And there is no way to simply jump around to the next mission. Yes, there is a bus you can take to four other points on the map, but those points are usually just as far, since they're positioned near the four corners of the map! Who's the idiot who came up with that concept? Fire him or her at once. For even clearing a guard station will not aid you next time you need to cross that path because the armed guards simply respawn over time. Ack.

Fun, Quick Gunplay? NO.
We are given several character choices at the start. Refreshing. But there's no real relevance regarding who you choose because this is a first person shooter anyway. In other words, you won't see yourself, so who cares who you choose? Cool, yes. Required? No. Important in the game? No. Big waste of time? Yes.

And despite the spoiler, I'm gonna tell you anyway: you start the game with malaria. So all the cool things you would like to do will cause you to die, like oh, running and jumping. I swear, this is becoming more and more like a bad relationship. Far Cry 2 is like being able to date a supermodel who never lets you touch her. Beautiful, sophisticated, but a little shallow and ultimately frustrating.

There are a number of side missions you can choose to pursue, along with missions you are forced to perform in order to acquire medicine. Because if you run out of malaria pills, you're likely to drop dead in the middle of a firefight. So hey, if you don't want to pursue those missions, you're free not to. But how much fun will you have when you're dropping dead in the middle of a mission? In other words, these are forced missions, veiled as not. Yeah, there's a beautiful open world to play in here, but having malaria is like being put on a short leash. Or like being forced to stay in your hotel room during your vacation, with diarrhea, on beach day.

There are some excellent points in the game, like being able to sneak up on someone with a machete (a gloriously missed opportunity to throw in some cinematic murder cutscenes ala Manhunt). Alas, no. We're left with a largely unwieldy mess that often times doesn't drop an opponent and leaves them calling their buddies for help. Other times, it seems like you've dropped someone with a tap that wouldn't hassle a fly.

Several times I was sent on missions to eliminate certain individuals in a no-gun zone. I used my machete. And suddenly half the town starts shooting at me! Even though no one witnessed the killing. It's just unfair and unpolished.

Throw in some cliche monkey bullshit diamond case collecting and I'm about to chuck this one out the DVD Drive.

But it's so pretty. I just can't bring myself to do it. It's like a love affair with low-grade Crystal Meth. You know it sucks. You know it's rotten. But you're chasing the dragon.And for what? Another diamond case with its huge solitary diamond that inches you closer to being able to buy an AK-47. Though everyone knows a diamond that big would buy you the entire country in a heartbeat. Just 6 more cases to locate via GPS until I can buy an AK! Bullshit.

Audio is something rarely noticed in gaming. A good soundtrack stands out. A bad soundtrack stands out like a sore thumb. I usually turn off the game music and stream my own tunes via my computer. This proved a challenge in this game, however. Boat engine noise would drown out anything I was listening to while I traveled downriver to my next distant mission. At other times, that same music would be too loud. Ugh. And there are no sound effect settings. So while characters converse in whispers, bullets and explosions are overbearing. And nothing sounds right. People who are fifty feet away sound like they're having a conversation right next to you. The sounds of the jungle seem to convincingly harbor wild animals stampeding beside you in the brush, but when you look they're farther than you can throw a football pass. The sound in this game is simply atrocious.

Driving is tedious. And looking at a map while driving doesn't seem to be a good option. For some reason, a gentle nudge with the right thumbstick would make me crane my neck as if I were having a stroke. Nothing some simple QA couldn't fix. It's a shame the game was shipped this way.

Everything else seems adequate. I am left feeling like Far Cry 2 dropped the ball miserably. I didn't even bother with the multiplayer. Simply because I could already tell the controls would be too frustrating. Aiming shouldn't be a chore in a video game. And when sending me on missions that span through 20 miles of jungle filled with omniscient guards, I'm sick and tired of it after the 4th mission or so. Nevermind the other 20.

I was left feeling like this was a game that could have just never been made. There was no real innovation here. The controls sucked, and ultimately, all this does is showcase Ubisoft's ability to make a pretty-looking jungle.

Sifted: 6.5 out of 10

Can we run a System Restore on the country, please?!?

Wouldn't it be grand if we could rollback the country's systems and policies by at least 6 months? Obama will need to undo the changes being imposed by the current administration as they claw their way out of the white house.

Dammit, Bush just ... the whole thing!

DO OVER!!!

Game Review: Infinite Undiscovery (XBox 360)

I truly thought this latest release from Square Enix, featuring seamless realtime battles, would be the end-all and be-all for the Japanese RPG. Looking at images from the trailers, I was amazed at just how much artistic endeavor must have gone into creating this. And the game is truly beautiful.

The main flaw this game has is control-related. Maybe they needed this to go through QA again? Certainly, there was no one in development to advocate for the player, because the control scheme is so clunky that there's no way anyone will enjoy playing this game beyond a couple of hours. And I suspect that wasn't what the developers intended, since the game comes on two discs.

The concept is that by using these newfangled tactics there will be an infinite world of discovery available to achieve victory. My problem was that there were so many things one could do that it diminished the value of the game. Rather than simply allowing the player to switch between characters, we are expected to perform Connected tactics and basically request our fellow characters to perform certain tasks. Unfortunately, the characters we're supposed to connect with are a bunch of idiots. Example: At one point, to open up another level, I need to attract two different types of animals to a gate where they will basically be used as keys. To attract these animals, I need to have one of my fellow characters cast a sort of charm that will allow me to command them toward me. The charm eventually wears off, meaning I need to cast the charm multiple times. But when I request the secondary character to cast the charm, he's busy playing with his belly button hair, so the animal crawls back to where it came from. Over and over, again. Another example: while storming a castle and being pelted with boulders by an ogre on a precipice, I try to use the archer character to shoot the ogre down. The aiming is so terrible that I end up wasting three shots to hit the ogre once. These shots are dependent on magic points, so I am eventually left without enough points to take another shot. My ballistas uselessly rest on the battle field, taking boulders until they crumble. There's no way I can see to move them, or to actually AIM them at the castle door, which is what they're supposed to be shooting at, right? My character is immediately stoned to death. Considering there are "infinite" ways to win, I really didn't see even one.

The other problem has to do with the age-old lack of direction. The maps are fairly nice to look at, but they give you no direction on where you're supposed to go. I had to enter the graveyard a second time because the map did not indicate a destination for me. I simply thought I had gotten to the end. So I made my way back toward town, spent a good 15 minutes going there, only to find I hadn't completed the quest, so I had to go back, only to discover the monsters I had killed the first time were BACK!!!

At another time, I ended up traipsing through a forest I didn't even need to enter, spending 20 minutes going down that path, just to come to a dead end. I then backtracked, only to find an obscure hole in the wall I could go through to go in the correct direction.

These problems with the game are not a FEATURE. They are a bug. There was nothing enjoyable about wasting a good 45 minutes of my life wandering down wrong paths.

Throw in an infinite number of enemies, without the ability to pause the game and use items or check maps and the little "realtime" feature starts to grate on your nerves.

It was ultimately more enjoyable to just play something else, and that's pretty sad. Thankfully, it was a rental.

Sifted: 5/10 - I give it 5 points for the beauty of the game. I take away 5 for the gameplay/controls.

Chicago area Sheriff refuses to evict foreclosure victims

It's about time the police serve the people they are sworn to protect. Justice.

Metallica - Death Magnetic

I used to be a fan of Metallica, prior to their whole Napster fiasco. A recent birthday had me reminiscing again and I decided to check this album out, just for the hell of it. Sadly, this release fails to hit the target on so many levels.

I sense Metallica is also trying to recapture its youth as well. The first few songs on this new album are straight out of Metallica's early days, pre-black album stuff, with Kirk convulsing on the guitar, and James hacking up a lung into the microphone. Nothing here seems to approach the genius that was Master of Puppets or Ride the Lightning, but the spirit is one and the same.

Where Metallica seems to shine most lately is during those times when they seem to relax into their talent. Instead of forcing the harsh guitar, they ease into a rhythm on songs like "The Day That Never Comes" and in the early parts of "The Unforgiven III". These songs are more reminiscent of the Black Album and far superior to the rest of what's being released here, in my opinion.

Unfortunately, my copy seemed to collapse into distortion at times. Not sure if that's because of the digital samples I downloaded, or because the music itself was crappy. My samples are 256 Mbps, which are typically good enough for most music I listen to.

I am left wondering if Metallica has lost its edge or if I've just grown up and lost my angst. Something tells me they will fail to touch the hearts and minds of today's youth with this latest attempt. While I appreciate their attempt to re-live their golden era, I just don't see Metallica making a comeback with this album. Not until they learn to relax and let their instruments sing again will they truly be able to raise themselves out of the muck that started soon after Napster. Not to mention the fact that the times have changed since then. The anger and angst are missing from these songs, and no amount of Kirk using his magic fingers on the fretboard can save this album from being mundane.

So glad I didn't spend money on this!

Sifted: 6 out of 10

Experienced

You can probably drop off your laundry next door....

Soccer Fans Commit Police Brutality!

Because instant karma's gonna get ya!

Rage Against The Machine!!!

There's a reason I love this band and always have....

Wow

Just wow.

Rampage Jackson is full-on insane.

This CBS interview of Rampage Jackson is hard to watch. His explanation for his recent arrest: he was "betrayed" by a friend/family member/employee and proceeded to lose his mind. Too much Red Bull and videos of The Secret pushed him over the deep edge. Roll in some runaway Christianity and you've got a recipe for a lifetime in the mental ward.

Get Your Free OBAMA '08 Sticker

Go to this MoveOn.org page and they'll ship you a free Obama '08 sticker.

Review: GRID (XBOX 360)

Okay, so I'm a Racing game fan. I admit it. I enjoy both simulation and arcade racing games. The idea of playing a game that does BOTH well has always been an ideal for me. Unfortunately, GRID fails miserably to achieve that grand desire.

I will begin by saying I didn't play the game in its entirety. That's because I won't waste my time on trash. What I did play was wrong on so many levels that I can't bother to bring myself to pick up the controller again.

Whatever you do, don't buy this game; fortunately for me, I Gameflied it and will be returning it promptly.

The menus are reminiscent of Project Gotham Racing 3 (PGR3), with similar fonts and menu structures. This was comforting for me, even though I'm not a huge PGR fan. The familiarity induced feelings of intuitiveness that set me at ease. I figured this would be a good racing game right off the bat.

Total controller customization is another great feature that belongs in every good game. I was surprised to see I could assign any button to any feature I desired. More games need controls like this. Some gamers are older or differently-abled, so being able to setup your own control scheme is a definite plus.

All of my feelings of joy were dashed, however, after my very first race.

Let me say that the graphics in Grid are splendid and lush and the camera is exceptionally good at following your car and positioning itself at just the right moment to make cornering enjoyable, rather than an exercise in prayer. Having said that, the camera does get a bit jumpy if you corner and error (e.g. hit a wall or other car), which happens often in any racing game worth its salt. This jumpiness, however, wasn't enough to make the game awful.

Sadly, random glitchiness and stoppages totally ruin the racing experience. Hopefully, Codemasters will fix this in future updates. Otherwise, it's a game breaker for me and most people who enjoy good racing games. In this day and age of decent Q&A, games shouldn't be released with this type of bugginess.

Cars handle like butter on a hot pan, slipping and sliding all over the track. Is this adjustable via car customization? NO! What is this, Grand Turismo? Or just about every other good racing game that's out there right now? Nope, this is Grid. And you're supposed to just accept that Porsche that slides all over the road like a greased piglet at a county fair slipping through your fingers. Drive assists are somewhat of a misnomer. Even though I turned them all on, it made my driving experience only mildly better.

Spinouts are legendary. The instant your tire goes off the road, you can expect to do an almost perfect donut that will move you from first place to last. And while the crashes and car damage feel great, this overindulgent physic totally destroys any semblance of a good racing game so as to make it unplayable. Once you get tapped a few times resulting in total spinouts, you will dismiss this game for good.

Pair this problem with aggressive AI and it's a recipe for disaster. See, if you try to run an opposing driver off the road, you will fail. More than likely, your own car will spin out, defying physics so drastically that you'll want to throw your controller through the screen. After this happens half a dozen times, you will lose all faith in this game. For Grid tries to mimic the driving and crash physics of a simulation game, while straddling the joy of arcade speed. And it just can't do it, I'm afraid.

There is an annoying Replay option called Flashback. I don't understand how it's supposed to work. The controls for it are cryptic and unintuitive. And I didn't get a manual with my copy of Grid, since I Gameflied it, nor do I think any great game should need a manual. If the game itself cannot explain how to use its features, it's an epic fail right out of the gate. As for a racing game that allows Flashback, I don't think that's the point of a racing game. In true racing, there are no do-overs in the middle of a race. That's just plain cheating! It defies the very nature of a racing game and totally trashes the experience.

Grid has a difficulty level that needs some serious adjustment. If you're new to racing games, this is no place to start. Even on the easy settings, races are challenging for seasoned racers. Difficulty ramps up way too quickly for the average gamer to keep up or enjoy. Experienced racers will be unenthusiastic about how easy it is to spin out and lose winning races. In other words, this game misses the mark for pretty much everybody.

See, this is a great game that has been ruined by some overindulgent physics and asshole AI. When one spinout is race-ending, you're left feeling that this game really sucks.

Sifted: 7/10

7 for good graphics, camera work and menus. Unfortunately, this could have been a 9 or even 10 rating if the crash physics and AI were better.

Review: Portishead "Third"

Portishead is back, and they haven't lost any of their old wickedness. In fact, like fine wine, their skillz have grown and matured, without losing their essence.

Hear it for yourself. Here is a link to a stream of the album, which will go into release next week (April 29th, 2008).

The first time I heard Portishead, I fell in love with Beth Gibbons' dirge-like torch singing. Fortunately, the formula they have used in the past has not changed enough to ruin this new album. It's hot. If there's an album I will actually buy all year, it's this one. And while I could provide a torrent, I won't, because this music is actually worth buying.

NSFW - LAST CALL VIDEO

This shit is hilarious. Watch the audio *Explicit Lyrics*



I kept thinking about the bar scene in Top Gun while I was watching this, thinking how much funnier it would be if they had sang her this song instead.

Always Tip Your Dry Cleaner

Karma

Linksys WGA600N - Epic Trouble

I bought this router because I wanted to speed up my Xbox 360 Live playing of one of my favorite games - Call of Duty 4.

It has several problems:

1. To install, you need to call Technical Support. The installation disk is completely useless. You may as well shoot yourself in the head if you expect it to work outside of the box.

2. Every operator I've spoken with at Linksys was probably born in Asia. This is not a bad thing, but expect some heavy accents and peculiarly spotty connections when you call them. Also, they don't seem to pay much attention to your actual problem. Expect to be on hold for random periods of between 5 and 15 minutes while the Technician reads manga or the Bollywood Informer. Plan on being on hold 2-7 times.

3. There is no such thing as Plug and Play when it comes to things like this. You will submit.

4. Once you get it hooked up, it will probably fail the XBox Live Network Tests. Not to worry, for some reason, it will sign you in just fine. Gameplay is vastly improved, but good luck having Tech Support get your Network Tests to work. It will fail DNS. It will fail MTU. It will fail ICMP. There will be no explanation as to why. This simply is.

5. Linksys will tell you to call Xbox, which will tell you to call Linksys. Linksys will tell you to call Xbox again. 15% of the time, Linksys will tell you to call D-link (your router company). D-link will tell you Linksys is high. Linksys will tell you they teabagged D-Link's girlfriend. Xbox will snicker wickedly in the corner.

5. If you want it to connect in the N signal (which is way faster than the typical G signal), good luck, you snivelling moron. You will submit to playing in the G signal. Submit ... bitch! Submit!

6. You will gain a level in Networking & Communications, making you a 9th level War Driver with a + 3 laptop and a magic Headset of Achiness.

Iowa Caucuses???

So is it just me, or is anyone else bothered by the fact that Iowa has the power to determine our future? Since when is Iowa a decent litmus test? Why put so much burden on a state of nimwits?

Bring on the computer voting and make it traceable and secure. Hell, put a voting booth in every ATM!

I just wish WE had the power to choose our candidates, not some po-dunk state that crowns the bible belt.

Film: Eastern Promises

So, we sit down to check out the latest Viggo Mortenson flick, Eastern Promises. We're sitting there, pleasantly watching -- me, my fiance, her dad, and his Ukrainian wife. We're thinking: hey, it's about the Russian Mafia, so it'll be a good watch and the Ukrainian will be able to enjoy it (incidentally, she figured out the plot before any of us native English speakers did. She's hella smart).

Within 30 minutes, we're assaulted by a glorious vision of fingers being cut off at the bone, bloody afterbirth (including a near cutting of the cord), a throat being slit, and Viggo going to town on a Russian whore.

I'm no prude, but really, was any of that necessary?

Why is it that whenever my in-laws are in town we end up renting the most morbid, twisted, sick movies available at the Videorama? Hey, my fiancé picked it!

It was actually a good flick, with just enough action to keep the dudes intrigued, and enough sexual tension to keep it within the chick flick realm. Viggo sure likes ultra-violence, even in his romantic movies....

----------------
Now playing: Earworm - Funky Goes To Hollywood (Wild Cherry vs. Frankie Goes To Hollywood)
via FoxyTunes