Company of Heroes

Company of Heroes is the greatest real-time strategy game I've ever played. Campaign mode is challenging, graphically appealing, and so simple to control.

The problem arises when I try to get into multiplayer. Simply trying to login to multiplayer means I have to download a number of patches. These download by themselves. A few of them are huge (we're talking 1.8 Gigs for one of them), so they're slow to load. Once these are installed, I load the CD back in the tray to play. There is no option to PLAY the game! Only an Install button is available. I click Install. I get an error message saying the game is already installed. I try to load the game from the Start Menu, but there is no option available. I finally go to the install directory and try to find an executable file to click on or shortcut to. When I finally find it, it loads directly into Multiplayer and tells me I have to download that same 1.8 Gig patch!!! I've already uninstalled and reinstalled everything TWICE!

I go online to try to find a resolution. There is no link for Technical Support on the Company of Heroes website. I go to the forums. These are littered with posts from people having problems loading patches, joining multiplayer games, or dropping from the server. There are no real answers from anyone resembling Tech Support. Just a few random suggestions from people to try this or that solution.

Is it commonplace that a great game is often marred by technical issues that go unresolved? I have become so stressed out over this issue that I want to trash the game entirely.

Way to go, THQ and Relic. I won't be buying anymore games with your logos attached.

Sifted: 4/10 for compelling campaign but unplayable multiplayer.

Review: Let the Right One In (2008)

Yes, it does make "Twilight" look amateurish.

from Wikipedia:

Directed by Tomas Alfredson, was released in 2008 to widespread critical acclaim. An English language remake, to be directed by Matt Reeves, is scheduled for release in 2010.

I suspect the English version will lose all the subtlety and play down the issues to make it more appealing to the masses, thereby destroying the story in its entirety. It's the timid, subtle cinematographic elements of this film that give it credence. When we look into Eli the vampire's eyes and see how oddly blue they are, even in the dark; when Oskar has a sublte face twitch, or his gaze fades, or he is admiring a classmate. I suspect any English translation will lose its charm, by virtue of us American's having the subtlety of Anne Coulter at a gay pride parade.

If you like morbid-type film, you need to see this movie now. I wouldn't rate it as a thriller or a horror movie, or even a romance; it's kind of all three rolled into one. And very much a movie to watch on a hot, midsummer sunday, when you're lingering on the couch and dreaming of the snow.

This film is ultimately subtle, rarely relying in the cliché special fx we see in typical vampire movies. And perhaps more impressively, it doesn't delve into the romance of being a vampire. Eli's existence is a lonely, solitary existence, for the most part. By virtue of her vampirism, perhaps out of an analogy of outward racism, she is dejected by society and forced to live in an apartment complex similar to the projects. When she meets Oskar, the film's protagonist, we see her standing triumphantly over a busted jungle gym. This is the theme of the film, in fact: to win out, despite your oddness.

The soundtrack was so subtle that I don't even remember there being one and I didn't miss it. That, in my opinion, is the definition of subtlety.

The cinematography was excellent. I noticed no problems with lighting or failed special fx, save during one instance: cats, is all I'm gonna say. You could tell their budget got stretched there, but it wasn't so jarring to cause any permanent damage to the integrity of the film.

This is a modern-day Romeo & Juliet. Oskar is beaten by school bullies, while Eli is subjected to a life of boredom in her apartment. Only by using each other's skills will they find a way out of their pitiful lives.

If this movie fails anywhere, it's in the slow, drawling, almost dream-like way this story is told. Perhaps it is this that reminds the viewer of their own adolescence. Nevertheless, there are times when camera lingers in a place we don't want to be for a touch too long, but that's part of the beauty. I really wanted to SEE the outcome of their spree and I was left feeling as if there was no final development.

There are places the director seemed to feel comfortable, while other places he did not (or could not show us--probably due to budget constraints). If the English translation could flush out these parts, it might be good. I think if they stick to the same point of view as this film, they will do well.

Somebody give THIS movie an Academy Award, please.

Sifted: 9.5/10

Review: Black Milk "Tronic" (2008)

This is the best Rap album I've heard in years. I'm SERIOUS! We're talking six 5-star songs out of 14. And two more 4-stars. In this day and age of fabricated Hip-Hop, an album with three or more 5-star songs is good, so this album is off the chain. Some of these joints are epic, almost anthemic, with great beats and some electronica mixed in with classic soul all mashed up in it for great effect. The flows are tight and don't bother with all that flossy bullshit and foul language that so many lesser rappers are prone to spit. This album resurrects Rap and yanks it from the hands of all those trashy billboard hos once and for all.

If there's any weakness, it's that it could be a little harder, but that just goes with the territory when you stir in Electronica.


Sifted: 10/10

Review: The Wrestler (2008)

I'm not a hater. Mickey Rourke has had it tough, and there's nothing Hollywood loves more than a comeback, and The Wrestler is more than a worthy entry for movie of the year; not to mention, Rourke's performance is strong, nor does Marisa Tomei disappoint in her cliché role as a stripper with a good heart.

"But come on! It's a movie about Wrestling!" some people might say, and they would be right, but it's a film about so much more than that. This is a film about redemption and the sordid elements of a life lived to pursue a dream. Rourke's performance is spot-on and very touching.

The ultra-violence of the sport at times becomes laughable and it's horrifying that we can laugh at it, but the fact that it's all an illusion, however dangerous, makes it somehow less disturbing, even comedic. When Rourke steps backstage after his masterful performance, covered in blood, embedded by glass, thumbtacked back and all, he's met with applause and cheers from his co-performers and we're shown the ugly truth: that a man has damaged his life (and continues to do so) to create an illusion for us to enjoy. It's ultimately very sad and I left the movie feeling depressed.

There was a strong Christian subtext that bothered me. Rourke's character is compared to Jesus, undergoing bloody punishment like the Christ in The Passion. The end almost slides into blatant obviousness that comes just short of getting all church-preachy, off the top rope, hands extended all messianically. Hell, is that even a word?

Despite the obvious subtext, the movie is great. I just don't know if it's Movie of the Year good. I suspect The Curious Case of Benjamin Button will steal the win, simply because it's safer and more sanitized, much like Forrest Gump beat out Pulp Fiction. But time will vindicate this movie, for it's an instant classic reminiscent of Raging Bull. And while I don't forgive Rourke's douchebaggery from the 80's when he was all wife-beating and being a giant asshole, I give his performance kudos. And Marisa's role as a washed out stripper is a mirror to Rourke's, and in many ways almost sadder. Honestly, I don't know how Aronofsky pulled this one off without elliciting the audience's tears. This film is beautiful and harsh all at once, like a dollar bill stapled to someone's forehead for nothing more than comic effect.

Sifted: 9/10


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Now playing: Black Milk - Losing Out (feat. Royce Da 5'9")
via FoxyTunes

Review: Far Cry 2 (XBox 360)

Wow, I've never seen such a beautiful game marred by sluggish controls and generally bad gameplay.

You play as a mercenary in an African country on the brink of civil unrest. Your mission: find the person arming both sides in the conflict--aka The Jackal--and eliminate him.

Ubisoft went out of their way to give Far Cry 2 a lush landscape, full of captivating imagery, a massive, open gameworld, and incredible audio. Problem is: it's a hot mess.

First of all, the gameplay is frustrating. Ubisoft pulled out all the stops and wanted to give us a massive gaming world to play through. Unfortunately, this is what gets in the way of enjoying the campaign! You are given missions that are usually on the other side of the map. And the map is huge, mind you. We're talking miles. Each mission seems to relish in sending us on a 5-10 minute trek just to get to the mission! And that's not the most irksome part! There are armed guards and patrols that come at you relentlessly. So by the time you actually get to the mission, you may be running low on ammo, and/or injured and low on health packs. And there is no way to simply jump around to the next mission. Yes, there is a bus you can take to four other points on the map, but those points are usually just as far, since they're positioned near the four corners of the map! Who's the idiot who came up with that concept? Fire him or her at once. For even clearing a guard station will not aid you next time you need to cross that path because the armed guards simply respawn over time. Ack.

Fun, Quick Gunplay? NO.
We are given several character choices at the start. Refreshing. But there's no real relevance regarding who you choose because this is a first person shooter anyway. In other words, you won't see yourself, so who cares who you choose? Cool, yes. Required? No. Important in the game? No. Big waste of time? Yes.

And despite the spoiler, I'm gonna tell you anyway: you start the game with malaria. So all the cool things you would like to do will cause you to die, like oh, running and jumping. I swear, this is becoming more and more like a bad relationship. Far Cry 2 is like being able to date a supermodel who never lets you touch her. Beautiful, sophisticated, but a little shallow and ultimately frustrating.

There are a number of side missions you can choose to pursue, along with missions you are forced to perform in order to acquire medicine. Because if you run out of malaria pills, you're likely to drop dead in the middle of a firefight. So hey, if you don't want to pursue those missions, you're free not to. But how much fun will you have when you're dropping dead in the middle of a mission? In other words, these are forced missions, veiled as not. Yeah, there's a beautiful open world to play in here, but having malaria is like being put on a short leash. Or like being forced to stay in your hotel room during your vacation, with diarrhea, on beach day.

There are some excellent points in the game, like being able to sneak up on someone with a machete (a gloriously missed opportunity to throw in some cinematic murder cutscenes ala Manhunt). Alas, no. We're left with a largely unwieldy mess that often times doesn't drop an opponent and leaves them calling their buddies for help. Other times, it seems like you've dropped someone with a tap that wouldn't hassle a fly.

Several times I was sent on missions to eliminate certain individuals in a no-gun zone. I used my machete. And suddenly half the town starts shooting at me! Even though no one witnessed the killing. It's just unfair and unpolished.

Throw in some cliche monkey bullshit diamond case collecting and I'm about to chuck this one out the DVD Drive.

But it's so pretty. I just can't bring myself to do it. It's like a love affair with low-grade Crystal Meth. You know it sucks. You know it's rotten. But you're chasing the dragon.And for what? Another diamond case with its huge solitary diamond that inches you closer to being able to buy an AK-47. Though everyone knows a diamond that big would buy you the entire country in a heartbeat. Just 6 more cases to locate via GPS until I can buy an AK! Bullshit.

Audio is something rarely noticed in gaming. A good soundtrack stands out. A bad soundtrack stands out like a sore thumb. I usually turn off the game music and stream my own tunes via my computer. This proved a challenge in this game, however. Boat engine noise would drown out anything I was listening to while I traveled downriver to my next distant mission. At other times, that same music would be too loud. Ugh. And there are no sound effect settings. So while characters converse in whispers, bullets and explosions are overbearing. And nothing sounds right. People who are fifty feet away sound like they're having a conversation right next to you. The sounds of the jungle seem to convincingly harbor wild animals stampeding beside you in the brush, but when you look they're farther than you can throw a football pass. The sound in this game is simply atrocious.

Driving is tedious. And looking at a map while driving doesn't seem to be a good option. For some reason, a gentle nudge with the right thumbstick would make me crane my neck as if I were having a stroke. Nothing some simple QA couldn't fix. It's a shame the game was shipped this way.

Everything else seems adequate. I am left feeling like Far Cry 2 dropped the ball miserably. I didn't even bother with the multiplayer. Simply because I could already tell the controls would be too frustrating. Aiming shouldn't be a chore in a video game. And when sending me on missions that span through 20 miles of jungle filled with omniscient guards, I'm sick and tired of it after the 4th mission or so. Nevermind the other 20.

I was left feeling like this was a game that could have just never been made. There was no real innovation here. The controls sucked, and ultimately, all this does is showcase Ubisoft's ability to make a pretty-looking jungle.

Sifted: 6.5 out of 10

Game Review: Infinite Undiscovery (XBox 360)

I truly thought this latest release from Square Enix, featuring seamless realtime battles, would be the end-all and be-all for the Japanese RPG. Looking at images from the trailers, I was amazed at just how much artistic endeavor must have gone into creating this. And the game is truly beautiful.

The main flaw this game has is control-related. Maybe they needed this to go through QA again? Certainly, there was no one in development to advocate for the player, because the control scheme is so clunky that there's no way anyone will enjoy playing this game beyond a couple of hours. And I suspect that wasn't what the developers intended, since the game comes on two discs.

The concept is that by using these newfangled tactics there will be an infinite world of discovery available to achieve victory. My problem was that there were so many things one could do that it diminished the value of the game. Rather than simply allowing the player to switch between characters, we are expected to perform Connected tactics and basically request our fellow characters to perform certain tasks. Unfortunately, the characters we're supposed to connect with are a bunch of idiots. Example: At one point, to open up another level, I need to attract two different types of animals to a gate where they will basically be used as keys. To attract these animals, I need to have one of my fellow characters cast a sort of charm that will allow me to command them toward me. The charm eventually wears off, meaning I need to cast the charm multiple times. But when I request the secondary character to cast the charm, he's busy playing with his belly button hair, so the animal crawls back to where it came from. Over and over, again. Another example: while storming a castle and being pelted with boulders by an ogre on a precipice, I try to use the archer character to shoot the ogre down. The aiming is so terrible that I end up wasting three shots to hit the ogre once. These shots are dependent on magic points, so I am eventually left without enough points to take another shot. My ballistas uselessly rest on the battle field, taking boulders until they crumble. There's no way I can see to move them, or to actually AIM them at the castle door, which is what they're supposed to be shooting at, right? My character is immediately stoned to death. Considering there are "infinite" ways to win, I really didn't see even one.

The other problem has to do with the age-old lack of direction. The maps are fairly nice to look at, but they give you no direction on where you're supposed to go. I had to enter the graveyard a second time because the map did not indicate a destination for me. I simply thought I had gotten to the end. So I made my way back toward town, spent a good 15 minutes going there, only to find I hadn't completed the quest, so I had to go back, only to discover the monsters I had killed the first time were BACK!!!

At another time, I ended up traipsing through a forest I didn't even need to enter, spending 20 minutes going down that path, just to come to a dead end. I then backtracked, only to find an obscure hole in the wall I could go through to go in the correct direction.

These problems with the game are not a FEATURE. They are a bug. There was nothing enjoyable about wasting a good 45 minutes of my life wandering down wrong paths.

Throw in an infinite number of enemies, without the ability to pause the game and use items or check maps and the little "realtime" feature starts to grate on your nerves.

It was ultimately more enjoyable to just play something else, and that's pretty sad. Thankfully, it was a rental.

Sifted: 5/10 - I give it 5 points for the beauty of the game. I take away 5 for the gameplay/controls.

Metallica - Death Magnetic

I used to be a fan of Metallica, prior to their whole Napster fiasco. A recent birthday had me reminiscing again and I decided to check this album out, just for the hell of it. Sadly, this release fails to hit the target on so many levels.

I sense Metallica is also trying to recapture its youth as well. The first few songs on this new album are straight out of Metallica's early days, pre-black album stuff, with Kirk convulsing on the guitar, and James hacking up a lung into the microphone. Nothing here seems to approach the genius that was Master of Puppets or Ride the Lightning, but the spirit is one and the same.

Where Metallica seems to shine most lately is during those times when they seem to relax into their talent. Instead of forcing the harsh guitar, they ease into a rhythm on songs like "The Day That Never Comes" and in the early parts of "The Unforgiven III". These songs are more reminiscent of the Black Album and far superior to the rest of what's being released here, in my opinion.

Unfortunately, my copy seemed to collapse into distortion at times. Not sure if that's because of the digital samples I downloaded, or because the music itself was crappy. My samples are 256 Mbps, which are typically good enough for most music I listen to.

I am left wondering if Metallica has lost its edge or if I've just grown up and lost my angst. Something tells me they will fail to touch the hearts and minds of today's youth with this latest attempt. While I appreciate their attempt to re-live their golden era, I just don't see Metallica making a comeback with this album. Not until they learn to relax and let their instruments sing again will they truly be able to raise themselves out of the muck that started soon after Napster. Not to mention the fact that the times have changed since then. The anger and angst are missing from these songs, and no amount of Kirk using his magic fingers on the fretboard can save this album from being mundane.

So glad I didn't spend money on this!

Sifted: 6 out of 10

Review: GRID (XBOX 360)

Okay, so I'm a Racing game fan. I admit it. I enjoy both simulation and arcade racing games. The idea of playing a game that does BOTH well has always been an ideal for me. Unfortunately, GRID fails miserably to achieve that grand desire.

I will begin by saying I didn't play the game in its entirety. That's because I won't waste my time on trash. What I did play was wrong on so many levels that I can't bother to bring myself to pick up the controller again.

Whatever you do, don't buy this game; fortunately for me, I Gameflied it and will be returning it promptly.

The menus are reminiscent of Project Gotham Racing 3 (PGR3), with similar fonts and menu structures. This was comforting for me, even though I'm not a huge PGR fan. The familiarity induced feelings of intuitiveness that set me at ease. I figured this would be a good racing game right off the bat.

Total controller customization is another great feature that belongs in every good game. I was surprised to see I could assign any button to any feature I desired. More games need controls like this. Some gamers are older or differently-abled, so being able to setup your own control scheme is a definite plus.

All of my feelings of joy were dashed, however, after my very first race.

Let me say that the graphics in Grid are splendid and lush and the camera is exceptionally good at following your car and positioning itself at just the right moment to make cornering enjoyable, rather than an exercise in prayer. Having said that, the camera does get a bit jumpy if you corner and error (e.g. hit a wall or other car), which happens often in any racing game worth its salt. This jumpiness, however, wasn't enough to make the game awful.

Sadly, random glitchiness and stoppages totally ruin the racing experience. Hopefully, Codemasters will fix this in future updates. Otherwise, it's a game breaker for me and most people who enjoy good racing games. In this day and age of decent Q&A, games shouldn't be released with this type of bugginess.

Cars handle like butter on a hot pan, slipping and sliding all over the track. Is this adjustable via car customization? NO! What is this, Grand Turismo? Or just about every other good racing game that's out there right now? Nope, this is Grid. And you're supposed to just accept that Porsche that slides all over the road like a greased piglet at a county fair slipping through your fingers. Drive assists are somewhat of a misnomer. Even though I turned them all on, it made my driving experience only mildly better.

Spinouts are legendary. The instant your tire goes off the road, you can expect to do an almost perfect donut that will move you from first place to last. And while the crashes and car damage feel great, this overindulgent physic totally destroys any semblance of a good racing game so as to make it unplayable. Once you get tapped a few times resulting in total spinouts, you will dismiss this game for good.

Pair this problem with aggressive AI and it's a recipe for disaster. See, if you try to run an opposing driver off the road, you will fail. More than likely, your own car will spin out, defying physics so drastically that you'll want to throw your controller through the screen. After this happens half a dozen times, you will lose all faith in this game. For Grid tries to mimic the driving and crash physics of a simulation game, while straddling the joy of arcade speed. And it just can't do it, I'm afraid.

There is an annoying Replay option called Flashback. I don't understand how it's supposed to work. The controls for it are cryptic and unintuitive. And I didn't get a manual with my copy of Grid, since I Gameflied it, nor do I think any great game should need a manual. If the game itself cannot explain how to use its features, it's an epic fail right out of the gate. As for a racing game that allows Flashback, I don't think that's the point of a racing game. In true racing, there are no do-overs in the middle of a race. That's just plain cheating! It defies the very nature of a racing game and totally trashes the experience.

Grid has a difficulty level that needs some serious adjustment. If you're new to racing games, this is no place to start. Even on the easy settings, races are challenging for seasoned racers. Difficulty ramps up way too quickly for the average gamer to keep up or enjoy. Experienced racers will be unenthusiastic about how easy it is to spin out and lose winning races. In other words, this game misses the mark for pretty much everybody.

See, this is a great game that has been ruined by some overindulgent physics and asshole AI. When one spinout is race-ending, you're left feeling that this game really sucks.

Sifted: 7/10

7 for good graphics, camera work and menus. Unfortunately, this could have been a 9 or even 10 rating if the crash physics and AI were better.

Review: Portishead "Third"

Portishead is back, and they haven't lost any of their old wickedness. In fact, like fine wine, their skillz have grown and matured, without losing their essence.

Hear it for yourself. Here is a link to a stream of the album, which will go into release next week (April 29th, 2008).

The first time I heard Portishead, I fell in love with Beth Gibbons' dirge-like torch singing. Fortunately, the formula they have used in the past has not changed enough to ruin this new album. It's hot. If there's an album I will actually buy all year, it's this one. And while I could provide a torrent, I won't, because this music is actually worth buying.

Linksys WGA600N - Epic Trouble

I bought this router because I wanted to speed up my Xbox 360 Live playing of one of my favorite games - Call of Duty 4.

It has several problems:

1. To install, you need to call Technical Support. The installation disk is completely useless. You may as well shoot yourself in the head if you expect it to work outside of the box.

2. Every operator I've spoken with at Linksys was probably born in Asia. This is not a bad thing, but expect some heavy accents and peculiarly spotty connections when you call them. Also, they don't seem to pay much attention to your actual problem. Expect to be on hold for random periods of between 5 and 15 minutes while the Technician reads manga or the Bollywood Informer. Plan on being on hold 2-7 times.

3. There is no such thing as Plug and Play when it comes to things like this. You will submit.

4. Once you get it hooked up, it will probably fail the XBox Live Network Tests. Not to worry, for some reason, it will sign you in just fine. Gameplay is vastly improved, but good luck having Tech Support get your Network Tests to work. It will fail DNS. It will fail MTU. It will fail ICMP. There will be no explanation as to why. This simply is.

5. Linksys will tell you to call Xbox, which will tell you to call Linksys. Linksys will tell you to call Xbox again. 15% of the time, Linksys will tell you to call D-link (your router company). D-link will tell you Linksys is high. Linksys will tell you they teabagged D-Link's girlfriend. Xbox will snicker wickedly in the corner.

5. If you want it to connect in the N signal (which is way faster than the typical G signal), good luck, you snivelling moron. You will submit to playing in the G signal. Submit ... bitch! Submit!

6. You will gain a level in Networking & Communications, making you a 9th level War Driver with a + 3 laptop and a magic Headset of Achiness.

Review of New Frank Black Album - Blue Finger

First off, thanks to Todd for hooking us up with the new Frank Black album, Blue Finger. We love us some Frank Black and, before his solo sucksess, we worshipped at the altar of The Pixies with devotion. I've always loved Frank Black's lyrics and energy. Blue Finger certainly doesn't lack his trademark lyrical insanity or guttural punk yelping.

But the question I keep asking myself is: has the great Black Francis lost his touch, or has his sound just grown tiresome? I think it's the latter, really. There's nothing really cutting-edge here, which isn't really a bad thing. But it's not a good thing, either. Despite the lack of Pixies lushness on most of these tracks, Frank solo still rocks pretty hard, and the lyrics are as cryptic as ever. There's just something ... missing.

What's lacking from Frank Black hitting it big with all these albums he's released over the years? I mean, the formula is the same for what he produces on his own and what he puts out with The Pixies. I've come to the conclusion that it's the chemistry of Kim Deal's back-up vocals that are lacking, really. Kim Deal added a soothing layer (a near-mantra of chorus) to Frank's quirky screeching, and I think he's starting to realize this, as he has notable female back-ups on many of these songs ("Lolita," my favorite on the album does it well, while "You Can't Break a Heart and Have It" falls into its own ambitious punkishness with a flop). Nevertheless, the female back-up doesn't make a good enough impression when executed correctly to push things over the edge into the 5-star Ipod zone.

Joey Santiago's skilled guitarism's are also missing from the equation. During The Pixies reunion tour, it was very evident during an incredible guitar solo just how influential Joey's sound is to the band. And even if Frank manages to get a good female back-up singer, I think he might be dead in the water without an actual Joey on guitar. For a prime example of how this hurts his sound, give "She Took All the Money" a spin. Now, imagine what this song would sound like with Joey on guitar.... Whole different animal.

These songs are conceptually great. I would like to see what The Pixies could do with these songs if they all worked on these pieces together, as there is a notable lack of detail to some of the songs (most notably, "Your Mouth Into Mine"). "Blue Finger" seems to be cryptically prescient when Frank belts out "If my choices are poor, I made them, I made them. And who's knocking on my door, I paid them. I paid them!"

Frank needs to dust off his ego and cement the dominance of The Pixies, once and for all. Doing otherwise only dooms his poetry to obscurity, and that's the opposite of what the world could use.

Sifted: 6.5/10

TV: Painkiller Jane (SCI)

Time to embrace the suck. The Sci-Fi channel has been so busy gushing over this program that it was bound to be a disappointment. Kristanna Loken, though pretty, just doesn't have the wherewithal to be the ball buster her role demands. Her face is simply not expressive enough, so her acting was nowhere near superb, and her double-lazy-eye trick has already grown tiresome after the lame-ass pilot episode. Are you flirting with me or are you just tired?!?!

The story is formulaic as hell, with the typical tactical squad composed of the brute, the hacker, the nerdy doctor, and the boss. The black guy, who was supposed to be some sort of backup/support agent has already been killed off. How many ways can you say cliché? And none of these blokes has an ounce of a personality! With characters this boring, it's obvious this show won't make it to a second season. Hold off on buying that condo in Malibu, guys.

Last but not least, just how successful can a story be about a heroine with the powers to heal herself?

So she's indestructible. Big Freakin' Deal!

I would be more interested in a character who could spontaneously make burritos out of his own toe jam. What on earth could make these guys at the Sci-Fi channel grasp at so tenuous a straw? Seriously.

In a city with a thousand stories, why can't Hollywood find one that's even mildly entertaining anymore?

Movie Review: Turistas (2006)

Okay, so we didn't watch this one with the in-law, which was probably wise, because my laughter during some of the murder scenes would have probably made her feel more than a little uneasy about me.

If you enjoy horror films, you'll probably like Turistas. No, it's not great. No, it's not even that good. But it's entertaining and, some would say, even plausible.

Plot: A group of young American backpackers in Brazil find themselves stranded after a bus accident. They hike their way to an amazing, secret club/bar on the beach and decide to stay, only to find themselves out of their element, victimized by the locals. Teaming up with one local, they end up at a house of horrors.

This film is, in fact, a modern-day version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only not as good. It stars a bunch of relative nobodies, save for Josh Duhamel (who is still a relative nobody, I suppose), and Melissa George (who does a great impression of a D'Abo sister circa 1986).

There is some hearty subtext going here, with plenty of racial overtones regarding class and globalization, but it's pretty light-hearted and never really coalesces into anything preachy or worthwhile.

Turistas wasn't a bad film. It just wasn't very good. And in a genre of ever-increasing kill rates and psychotic methods of dispatch, this was relatively boring. In any event, it's worth a rental, but I would laugh at you if I saw this one in your DVD collection.

Sifted: 5/10

Movie Review: The Holiday (2006)

A visiting in-law means I've been privy to watching movies I would normally not bother watching. One of these is The Holiday (2006), starring Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Jude Law.

First off, I want to distance myself from having a jaded viewpoint about this film simply because I'm not its intended audience. This movie, despite being a chick flick Romantic Comedy, sucked in an entirely new way. Not because I was not the intended audience, mind you, but because the forced plot devices and gymnastics involved rendered this film simply torturous. In fact, they should translate this into Arabic and force the people at Guantanamo to watch it repeatedly. Surely, that would force more than a few confessions.

The plot causes this movie to fall flat on its face. From the get-go, the viewer is expected to suspend their disbelief long enough to accept the unlikely scenario that there are two women on opposite sides of the planet who happen to be having relationship problems. They BOTH decide to go on vacation at a moment's notice. They BOTH happen across the same website offering home exchanges (and instant chat, mind you, which is not only implausible, but downright forcing a scene that would have been smoother had it taken place via long-distance phone call). They BOTH decide to exchange their homes on a moment's notice, (Kate doing so site unseen) deciding to switch pads THE NEXT DAY (without any exchange of contracts or paperwork, apparently). Okay, so if you manage to accept that implausible occurrence, then you're supposed to simply accept the fact that neither of these two bothers to alert their closest kin and significant others. This, of course, leads to Jude Law just showing up out of the blue to meet Cameron Diaz and Jack Black making an appearance to hook up with Kate Winslet.

Even if you're stupid enough to manage through that mangled plot, you're then expected to accept any number of impossibilities, such as these couples falling for each other in less than a week, the Screenwriter's Guild putting on a show for an old Hollywood writer in less than a week's time, and Cameron Diaz's spacey character actually being together enough to own her own business making movie trailers.

Speaking of Cameron Diaz, her acting is atrocious and over the top. It doesn't seem to be grounded in character at all. Jack Black plays himself, albeit with a more serious bent than usual. His performance is adequate, but nothing special. Jude Law is charming, but his chemistry with Diaz's character just seems forced and unnatural. Kate Winslet's performance seems to be the one valuable thing in the whole movie and that's a cloudy gem at best.

Chick flick doesn't even begin to describe this celluloid disaster. It's not even smart enough to be a good Romantic Comedy, frankly. In fact, it's somewhat insulting that Hollywood would level this to young working women, many of whom will probably enjoy it. I don't know. When I watch fantasy, I expect to see more than a few pointed ears and wizard's caps.

If you want a good romantic comedy, watch Bridget Jones' Diary, Sleepless in Seattle, Pretty Woman, Notting Hill, hell, even Serendipity has this wreck beat!

Sometimes it's called a Comfort Zone for a reason; I wish I'd never bothered leaving mine. Unless you want to waste 1:38 hours of your precious day (which inevitably felt like 3 hours, mind you), bypass this one and go watch the Spike channel on the upstairs television.

Sifted: 3/10

Game Review: God of War II (PS2)

The people over at Ars Technica have gotten their paws on God of War II and already provided a review. Sounds intriguing, but as someone who never made it through the first God of War, I doubt I'll be partaking anytime soon. The original was great, but it eventually got too difficult for me. I've never been a fan of platform games, with their requirements for precise button mashing. Unfortunately, I have the dexterity of a penguin. Anyhoo, have a peek if it's something that interests you.

[Ars Technica Reviews God of War II]

300: Beautiful Bigotry Writ Large

300 is one of the most visually stunning films ever made. It is easily the greatest visual masterpiece of the year. But as much as I loved the film, I hated it just as much. For all the lush colors and ultra violence, there's a disagreeable story lurking just beneath the surface. The subtext of the film is blatantly offensive and just plain bigoted. I would not recommend this film be viewed by impressionable teenagers, which is who it seems to unfortunately be marketed toward.

300 suffers from several flaws that make it disturbing to watch. Like eating a candied apple that has ground glass inside, you will probably enjoy it, then walk away from the experience feeling like something is terribly wrong.

Racism

I don't understand why Hollywood seems to insist its audience is entirely white, but 300's biggest flaw is caused precisely by this never-ending delusion. Not only are we to believe the Spartans are all Anglos (a matter the history books would disagree with vehemently), we're also expected to believe the Persians were a bunch of mulattoes and Negroids in eyeliner.

The Persians, in fact, are quite diverse, as opposed to the Spartan army. There are black envoys, ambassadors, and messengers from Persia. There are, of course, some Caucasians in the Persian army as well, and even a couple of Asians thrown in for good measure. There are also a number of freakish, monstrous-looking warriors and slaves in the Persian army. There are also any number of criminals associated with the Persian army. I gather, we're to equate diversity with ugliness, slavery, and criminality then?

The message seems quite clear almost from the start of 300: namely, that it's about the final, great white stand against an onslaught of racial hegemony. No, Matt Drudge, this isn't quite an analogy you can easily apply to the Iraq war, but it's an ugly allegory all the same.

Homophobia

Perhaps just as specious as the overt ethnocentrism is this underlying tone of homophobia that's more than blatant throughout the film. I won't draw a conclusion about Greek eroticism (it's been done), but we're led to believe the entire reason the Spartans choose to fight is because the Athenians chose to and they're a bunch of (ahem) "fag" philosophers. The Spartans, not wanting to be shown up, are obliged to enter this suicidal conflict against the Persians as a show of masculinity. In essence, gays are to blame for the Spartans getting involved. Sad scapegoating apparently goes back thousands of years.

This isn't the only outright homophobia in 300 either. At one point, we're treated to viewing Xerxes' concubine, which, of course, has a plethora of tongue-licking, erotic lesbians there as an enticement, and a number of activities that would make a typical S&M gathering look tame in comparison. Not to mention Xerxes himself, who's pierced to the nines and could easily double as a draq queen stand-in for Ru Paul, with all that makeup and those perfectly manicured long nails.

In other words, we're supposed to believe the Spartans are a bunch of masculine, white, heterosexual males fighting against an onslaught of diverse queers, freaks, and sexual deviants, despite the historical evidence that shows the Greeks were probably a bunch of pederasts who were probably more morally twisted than the Persians themselves ever were.

Conservative Politics

There is a strong undertone of "family values" being the drive behind the 300's choice to fight. They do so to protect their families and to ensure the sovereignty of Sparta. Supposedly, none of the Persians have families. Their only motivation is a bloodthirsty desire to bugger the residents of Greece and enslave all the hot Spartan women? Excuse me? Something just doesn't jive.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Perhaps the biggest flaw with 300 was also the most obvious. So obvious, in fact, that most people won't notice it at all. Here we have 300 men in the Battle of Thermopylae squaring off against 1 million+ Persians. According to history, the 300 successfully vanquished around 20,000 Persians. This, of course, begs the question: what happened to all the blood?

The fight choreography is stunningly poetic. Limbs get lobbed off and digital blood goes flying everywhere in slow motion in several scenes. But why is it that none of the Spartans are covered in blood? Not even their hands? Even their weapons look clean after supposed hours-long battles. Not that I wanted to see the blood, but there's something disturbingly wrong about a movie that exhibits all this violence like it's a pleasant music video, but conveniently leaves out all the blood. It's almost as if it's trying to say the act of killing is clean when it's a Persian who's being killed. Blood is a powerful symbol in storytelling. The decision to leave it out is very telling.

Only Hotties live in Sparta

From the start, it's explained that defective babies (namely, runts and those born with deformities) were discarded by the Spartans by being tossed off a cliff into a pile of bones below. This, apparently, has resulted in the world's most skilled warriors. So skilled, in fact, that they all sport perfect 6-packs as they walk toward battle, shirtless in all their conviction. Hollywood seems to have forgotten there was such a thing as a bronze breastplate. There is no room for deviation, either. Hunchbacks and old folk have no place in the Spartan army. In fact, there are no fat people, no ugly people, and no people with deformities in Sparta. Oh, and the women? They were all perfect 10's. Even the peasant working women.

Sexism

If there's anything 300 wants to get right, it's the depiction of how Spartans treated their women. Spartan women were, in fact, the leaders of their society. It was necessary for the women to be able to run things while their husbands were off fighting wars. Sparta was one of the only places in the Classical world where a girl could get an education. What's sad about 300, however, is the lack of many women at all in the story. There is one powerful woman in the film (the Queen) and she's fairly powerless, and ends up being victimized (and later vindicated, fortunately). The entire concept of femininity doesn't seem to exist in Sparta. Women are nothing but baby-making machines, even if they do produce Spartan men. There's something very wrong about showing this to teenage boys, mind you.

Despite all these issues (and I'm sure there are more that I didn't catch), 300 is a solid piece of beautiful celluloid work. It's quite gorgeous to look at, kind of like a Haute Couture model who's hiding an eating disorder and a nasty coke habit. But just as you wouldn't want your kids hanging out with Kate Moss, you should probably keep them from watching this one unless they have a sound enough mind to think for themselves. Sure, it's fun to watch America's Next Top Model, but would you really want to bring one home to mom? Sheesh.

Sifted: 8/10

Game Review: Lost Planet: Extreme Condition (360)

No, I haven't played it myself. It's at Ars Technica. I'm so glad I took my copy back after experiencing buyer's remorse. I just can't justify paying $60 for a game I know so little about.

[Ars Technica Review of Lost Planet]

Looking for a Contractor? Try Service Magic.

We've been in the holds of home renovation for a week or so now. At first, I was fearful of how long it would take to find quality Contractors. My experience here was formerly reserved to doing tedious searches on Craigslist and hoping to get a quality professional who wouldn't lie about his credentials.

This time was different.

I don't remember where I came across the link to Service Magic, but I'm so glad I did. I signed up with them (it's free) and started looking for Contractors in my area. The entire process was quick and painless. Literally 5 minutes after I was done, I got my first call from a contractor! I was astonished. Could this really be someone calling to set up an appointment for an estimate? It was. Shortly after I hung up with him, someone else called. Then I got several more calls during the day. In fact, I had contractors calling me up the yin-yang, all week! I even had one guy call me at 8 AM (needless to say, he didn't get hired).

So far, we've signed on with three contractors, all of whom have been very professional, fully credentialed, and very economical. I highly recommend this service to anyone who needs to make improvements to their home. They even have listings for service people (maids, gutter washers, computer repair persons... you name it).

A couple of days ago, I got a call from a Project Manager at Service Magic who was given the task of working with me to find contractors and make sure they were on task. I was like, wow. And this guy was no slouch. After I ignored his voice mail, he followed up with an email and another call. Service Magic is on the ball. They do their job almost too well!

If you need any kind of service done on your home, this is an excellent place to start.

If anything, the only problem you'll have is making it look like it was hard work finding these people. I'm reminded of the commercial where the woman sprinkles flour on her face to appear as if baking rice crispy treats is actually laborious. Somehow, I doubt flour will do the trick, in this case.

A Guide to the Best Chocolates

With Valentine's Day next week, this article is very useful. I learned the trick a long time ago: if you buy them chocolate, you get to eat half of them yourself!

[NPR: A Bittersweet Guide to the Best V-Day Chocolate]

Movie Review: Idiocracy (2006)

I don't know where to start with this one.

Idiocracy was directed by Mike Judge (who also directed Office Space).

Watching Idiocracy makes you feel kind of dirty. As if you've just watched 84 minutes of America's Funniest Home Videos, Cops, and Jackass, all rolled into one (without the guilt trip). If you see this movie, you will also easily recognize the irony in that last statement.

Idiocracy is about an average military guy, played by Luke Wilson--who happens to be perfect at delivering the dead-pan lines that are called for in this rather witty script. He discovers he's been included in a military experiment because of his average-ness, along with a prostitute (played by Maya Rudolph of Saturday Night Live fame). The two are put into a kind of suspended animation, then forgotten about for several hundred years. When they are finally resuscitated, it's a hilarious, dystopian future where the stupid people have out-bred the smart ones. Now, the morons live in a failed civilization that's on the verge of crumbling. Soon, the two learn they are the smartest people on earth; and it's not long before they're on the run from a society that doesn't appreciate their intelligence.

I admit, I enjoyed the wry sense of humor in this film. The in-jokes are plentiful and range from vulgar to politically incorrect, without ruining the subtle intelligence that lies beneath.

Unfortunately, this film is straight-up racist. It's not bigoted in a racist, philosophical, heavy-handed way, but it's more subtle and lighthearted in its racism. See, in the future, everyone speaks a sort of street speech, a combination of ebonics and gangster slang. There are plenty of minorities in this future world as well (including the President, a former Pro Wrestler), virtually ensuring viewers draw the connection between minorities and low IQ. Mike Judge seems to be forewarning me against myself and it just doesn't seem to work for me. Nevertheless, there is plenty of social commentary here, aside from race, that makes this film a must-view. Some people are saying this film is more controversial than Borat; having not yet seen Borat, I can't say. But I can vouch for the fact that Idiocracy is a smart movie that's getting off on telling its viewers that they're stupid, stupid, stupid.

If anything, my only complaint about this film is that it relied too heavily on stereotypes to crack jokes. Also, the narrator's commentary was a little annoying and unnecessary and would have made for a much stronger, more serious film, had it been removed. Talk about the ultimate in-joke: Mike Judge is calling us all idiots by having to explain the plot to us via a narrator. Clever.

By the end, it all grew a bit tiresome; but it was definitely fun while it lasted.

Sifted: 8.5/10