OMG! They Killed Clippy! Those Bastards!!!

R.I.P. Clippy (1997-2007). You were the shit.

[Engadget Explains Clippy's Demise]

The Slanket

According to the website, the Slanket is "a Gigantic fleece blanket with loose, oversized sleeves so you never feel constricted and you have total control of how to use them, while staying toasty ... The slanket is great on a couch, a chair, in a hammock, on your bed or anywhere else you care to take it."

"What the slanket is NOT!!
It is not a poncho!
It is not a Robe!!!!
There is no hole for your head!!!"

Wow, I guess they really don't want us to confuse it with a poncho. Okay, so it's "NOT A ROBE!!!!"

They don't have to be so emphatic about it. Believe me, we'll take their word for it. This actually looks like a cool way to geek out with your laptop while staying under the covers.

[Slanket]

Game Review: Tony Hawk: Project 8 (PS2)

First off, they should have titled this game:

Usability Disaster Skating: Punishment 8

I haven't really been into the Tony Hawk franchise of games since, oh, ... college; (I won't date myself by telling you how long ago that was--or the versions of the games I played, for that matter).

Suffice it to say, Neversoft has finally ridden this franchise into an ugly nosedive, ala skateboarding on gravel. It's difficult to say why. Some might say the original audience for the game has mostly outgrown skateboarding. Others could say there are better games being produced these days. Still others would say the franchise has become too difficult to enjoy. I would agree with all those assessments. And to those I would add that the development of this game must have been done without players in mind.

I picked this game up, thinking I would be skateboarding again soon, with a low re-education or re-training time. After all, I had been a decent video game skater back in the day. I should be able to pick it up fairly quickly, ... right?

Thank god I only rented it.

The goal here is to raise your ranking from #200 and get into the top eight. You will, of course, need to hunt down secret tokens, grind many pools, and perform mini-missions to climb the rankings. If you finish enough challenges, you'll be placed in the elite Project 8. If you can get there without smashing your controllers against a wall first, good luck.

Gameplay
The main failure of Tony Hawk is that gameplay has eroded to the size of Nicole Richie's wrists. I haven't skateboarded in years, so I decided to go through the Tutorial portion of the game. Certain elements were simple and straightforward enough. For instance, if you press the X Button, you go forward. Now stay with me. If you release the X button, you "Ollie", or jump. Okay. Simple enough.

Soon I realize I need to press a number of other buttons in various sequences to perform a certain trick while in the air. Not just one button press, mind you, but several, in very quick succession.

Very quickly, Tony Hawk's tutoring becomes a form of very sadistic finger torture.

I was taught I could do a "Manual" trick, that is, a trick on the board while standing relatively still. And this is where the game starts losing all of its charm for me. I finally realize I'm going to be punished, oh so horribly, from here on out. Damn you, Tony Hawk ... damn you.

See, when you perform a "Manual" trick, you go into some weird mode where you need to use the left thumbstick with really quick and subtle movements to maintain your balance. That's not a big deal. But then I'm told I need to press certain buttons AT THE SAME TIME. I'm sorry, I only have two thumbs. Apparently I can't move them fast enough.

The biggest problem with gameplay in Tony Hawk is usability. You will need to learn an entirely new finger language to play this game well. This is challenging, for most people, me included. And I'm fairly dexterous, considering my age. Frankly, I'm not ready to commit to an entirely new pattern set just to ride a video game Skateboard.

While I would prefer a Universal Finger Pattern that could be applied to all games, I also support a call to game developers to provide players with open-ended, configurable control schemes. Let us choose which buttons to push to perform certain tricks. That allows for infinitely more interesting gameplay and even personal styles of skating between players. Clearly, Tony Hawk needs to implement better Role Playing Game elements. I mean, if you're going to make a player choose his skater, and clothes, why not give him the option to choose his skating style as well?

Which brings us to graphics.

Graphics (or 3 Ugly Mugs)

What year is this? 2007, you say? Coulda fooled me with this game. From the start of the Career, we're asked to choose between three skaters. A Skinny White Boy Punk, a pudgy Kid, or a Black dude in baggy clothes. I didn't see any Asians, Hispanic, or female faces. Maybe they don't skate?

Choosing one of those 3 archetypal figures, I'm then allowed to choose between three additional faces. In other words, I can be black (with one of three available faces--oh, apparently one of them is lighter complected, maybe Puerto Rican), a child (with 3 other faces), or a white dude (with three more faces). Why they didn't just give me 9 characters to choose from at the start is perplexing, but maybe there's some hidden mystery here?

Nah, it's just plain stupid design.

There doesn't seem to be any skill difference between any of these characters. No visible advantage to picking one skater over another. I pick one. Simple enough. I deck him out in some typical skater gear and I'm off to Training.

Once I got out of training, having abandoned the notion of ever learning how to properly "Grind, Wally, Grind, Sticker Slap," I started the Career. From the start, you're placed in a very confined gaming space, where you're expected to perform a succession of tricks, all while travelling very fast. This was just too much of a test for me. I'm afraid I'm not commited to learning "Tony Hawkian" on my controller.

There's not much to be said about the AI. You're not really racing opponents in this game, so much as performing tricks and "ollies" over obstacles. See, the multiplayer is nowhere to be found on this version. Sure, you can play split-screen with a buddy, but don't even think about getting some online action going.

Physics are somewhat baffling. I found it more difficult to balance my player in the game than I would have on an actual skateboard! When your player loses his balance, he falls, HARD. So hard he spurts out blood. Unfortunately, this results in having to wait about two seconds while some off screen phantom hurls you a new skateboard so you can re-crack your noggin.

Audio
Sound is adequate. The music is appropriate, but somewhat lame. It's not a racing game, so I don't expect hardcore techno or hip-hop, but I do expect something more upbeat. Maybe some good punk music to go with your punk skater dude. But I specifically recall the music delving a bit into the late-night, after-hours, chill-out room ambiance. Definitely boring for boarding.
Sound effects were okay, but there didn't seem to be much background noise, just the sound of your board screeching over pavement. Kinda boring.

Utilities
Menus were simple to understand. There wasn't much commotion involved with getting around in the game itself.

Problems

• A failure in the gameplay usability department. Too many technical requirements to have an enjoyable skating experience. High learning curve without much payoff.
• Lame level design that will leave you asking why you've been locked in a large skatepark that looks like the suburbs.
  
• What's the point? Whoopee, I pulled a Goofy 180, Vert Ollie, Manual Grind, Wallie, Sticker Slap!
• Fleecing America's youth one last time? For shame, Tony, for shame.

Conclusion
This game sucks. I hope you didn't spend your Christmas money on it. If you enjoy a certain amount of punishment, rent it and flog away.

Sifted: 5/10

Wii Users Out of Control

I think the new Wii controller is an astonishingly great innovation. Finally, a game that demands more than simple hand dexterity.

From my understanding, some people are getting a bit carried away with that slippery remote and tossing it through pane-glass windows, smashing up their plasma TV's, and even smacking little children in the face. I need to get one of these quick!

I wonder why they didn't bother putting non-skid rubber on the outside of the controller? Next generation, maybe? Seems like a pretty silly oversight, considering people are swinging these things around so recklessly, with sweaty hands no less.

Mazda Concept Car

Here's an incredible concept car from Mazda. My only question: how do you get in?

Gaydar

So let me get this straight: when the country goes all gay flag we're supposed to kiss our asses goodbye?

What is this, some jacked up way to equate gays with Global Warming?

Huh?

Huh?

[click the map to go to the U.S. Severe Weather Map]

Kid Scooter

Am I the only one who thinks toys like these are a bad idea? The Razor Pocket Mod Bistro Scooter is available at Toys R Us for a mere $150. Features:

• Can go up to 10 miles on a single charge.
• Can reach speeds up to 15 MPH (incidentally, that kid isn't wearing the proper helmet for a motorized vehicle).
  
• Carrying capacity of up to 220 lbs.

I'm all for giving kids mobility, but let's face it--kids don't have driver's licenses! Not to mention, children are fat enough as it is. Why on earth would you want to encourage their laziness by giving them one of these instead of a normal bicycle?

When your kid gets flattened by a Hummer, don't come crying to the rest of us.

How To Iron a Shirt Collar with a Hair Straightener

Lifehacker has long been one of my favorite blogs. One of their favorite things to do is present simple aids for living and something they call the MacGyver Tip, in which they use a peculiar method to solve a common problem. Today's post features How to Iron Shirt Collars with a Hair Straightener. Not only is it an ingenious solution, but I wonder why someone hasn't marketed a conventional hair straightener as a collar iron?

Recently, I discovered that using a hair dryer is an easy way to defog your mirror after a morning shower. Some people might consider it odd that it's taken me 35 years to figure this out, but I've never had much hair, and therefore, have never needed to use a hair dryer. That, and I'm not too bright, obviously!

A few years ago, while travelling with a young co-worker on an insurance sales gig, I showed him how to keep his clothes from wrinkling by hanging them in a steamy bathroom after a shower. He declared me a god from that day forward.

Toddler Gets Stuck in Vending Machine

Wasn't this in a movie?

[more]

Cleanser Looks Like Sports Drink

Over on Agenda, Inc. they have a story about how a number of people have accidentally swallowed a cleanser thinking it's actually a sports drink.

Just a couple of years ago, I saw a stack of this stuff in the Hillsboro, Oregon KMart (Don't ask. I was there on business). Anyway, this stuff was sitting in the middle of the aisle, low to the ground, not far from the toy section. I brought it to the attention of one of the managers, who became irate with me when I mentioned that someone might accidentally drink it by mistaking it for soda. He said: "Well, that stuff is in the cleaning section too!"

I told him, "Hey, it's not like I'm making a big deal of this to be a jerk. This is as much for KMart's protection as it is for the children who might drink it." Another manager clearly understood what I was saying and told me he would make sure to move the items right away. Not sure if it was ever done, but I like to think I may have saved some kid from internal chemical burns and possible death, nevertheless.