Review of New Frank Black Album - Blue Finger

First off, thanks to Todd for hooking us up with the new Frank Black album, Blue Finger. We love us some Frank Black and, before his solo sucksess, we worshipped at the altar of The Pixies with devotion. I've always loved Frank Black's lyrics and energy. Blue Finger certainly doesn't lack his trademark lyrical insanity or guttural punk yelping.

But the question I keep asking myself is: has the great Black Francis lost his touch, or has his sound just grown tiresome? I think it's the latter, really. There's nothing really cutting-edge here, which isn't really a bad thing. But it's not a good thing, either. Despite the lack of Pixies lushness on most of these tracks, Frank solo still rocks pretty hard, and the lyrics are as cryptic as ever. There's just something ... missing.

What's lacking from Frank Black hitting it big with all these albums he's released over the years? I mean, the formula is the same for what he produces on his own and what he puts out with The Pixies. I've come to the conclusion that it's the chemistry of Kim Deal's back-up vocals that are lacking, really. Kim Deal added a soothing layer (a near-mantra of chorus) to Frank's quirky screeching, and I think he's starting to realize this, as he has notable female back-ups on many of these songs ("Lolita," my favorite on the album does it well, while "You Can't Break a Heart and Have It" falls into its own ambitious punkishness with a flop). Nevertheless, the female back-up doesn't make a good enough impression when executed correctly to push things over the edge into the 5-star Ipod zone.

Joey Santiago's skilled guitarism's are also missing from the equation. During The Pixies reunion tour, it was very evident during an incredible guitar solo just how influential Joey's sound is to the band. And even if Frank manages to get a good female back-up singer, I think he might be dead in the water without an actual Joey on guitar. For a prime example of how this hurts his sound, give "She Took All the Money" a spin. Now, imagine what this song would sound like with Joey on guitar.... Whole different animal.

These songs are conceptually great. I would like to see what The Pixies could do with these songs if they all worked on these pieces together, as there is a notable lack of detail to some of the songs (most notably, "Your Mouth Into Mine"). "Blue Finger" seems to be cryptically prescient when Frank belts out "If my choices are poor, I made them, I made them. And who's knocking on my door, I paid them. I paid them!"

Frank needs to dust off his ego and cement the dominance of The Pixies, once and for all. Doing otherwise only dooms his poetry to obscurity, and that's the opposite of what the world could use.

Sifted: 6.5/10

Finishing Moves Def Jam Icon Missed

It's simple enough to look at a game and see what's good about it, but on a recent gaming session with Def Jam: Icon, I found myself wondering what was missing, and why.

• Why can't I pull my opponents jewelry right off his neck? I mean, if you're giving your adversary a major whoop-ass, shouldn't you be able to diss a bitch by ripping off his tin?
• Why can't I pull my shirt off and flex? I should be able to lift my arms and flaunt my armpit deodorant, ala LL Cool J on MTV's Unplugged.
• Why can't a hard punch knock somebody's grill straight out they mouf?
• Shouldn't I have a dance of victory after I'm done rollin' somebody?
• No homies to have my back? Even my boo ain't there to cheer me on?
  
• If you can beat me to a bloody pulp, why doesn't that ruin my fly gear? Why don't that shit spill on the floor? Cuz I'm bad-ass, that's why.
  
• If I can attack somebody with the sound coming out the stereo speakers, why can't I cause them to have a burst eardrum, or something novel like making them pee or puke themselves?
• No weapons?
• Rap without gunfights is like Disneyland without Goofy.
• What, no nappy-headed hos or stripper sluts to cheer me on after I lay the smackdown?
  

Isn't it a little bizarre that a fighting game can be made so sanitized and just plain boring? I mean, I can beat somebody until they're literally black and blue, but I can't have my character smoke a blizzle with my adversary after we're done with our fisticuffs? Talk about boring. I'm surprised the cops didn't show up to break up all these stupid confrontations. Clearly, that's what's needed in Def Jam: Icon II. Puhleeze.

Don't hate. Just keepin' it real.

300: Beautiful Bigotry Writ Large

300 is one of the most visually stunning films ever made. It is easily the greatest visual masterpiece of the year. But as much as I loved the film, I hated it just as much. For all the lush colors and ultra violence, there's a disagreeable story lurking just beneath the surface. The subtext of the film is blatantly offensive and just plain bigoted. I would not recommend this film be viewed by impressionable teenagers, which is who it seems to unfortunately be marketed toward.

300 suffers from several flaws that make it disturbing to watch. Like eating a candied apple that has ground glass inside, you will probably enjoy it, then walk away from the experience feeling like something is terribly wrong.

Racism

I don't understand why Hollywood seems to insist its audience is entirely white, but 300's biggest flaw is caused precisely by this never-ending delusion. Not only are we to believe the Spartans are all Anglos (a matter the history books would disagree with vehemently), we're also expected to believe the Persians were a bunch of mulattoes and Negroids in eyeliner.

The Persians, in fact, are quite diverse, as opposed to the Spartan army. There are black envoys, ambassadors, and messengers from Persia. There are, of course, some Caucasians in the Persian army as well, and even a couple of Asians thrown in for good measure. There are also a number of freakish, monstrous-looking warriors and slaves in the Persian army. There are also any number of criminals associated with the Persian army. I gather, we're to equate diversity with ugliness, slavery, and criminality then?

The message seems quite clear almost from the start of 300: namely, that it's about the final, great white stand against an onslaught of racial hegemony. No, Matt Drudge, this isn't quite an analogy you can easily apply to the Iraq war, but it's an ugly allegory all the same.

Homophobia

Perhaps just as specious as the overt ethnocentrism is this underlying tone of homophobia that's more than blatant throughout the film. I won't draw a conclusion about Greek eroticism (it's been done), but we're led to believe the entire reason the Spartans choose to fight is because the Athenians chose to and they're a bunch of (ahem) "fag" philosophers. The Spartans, not wanting to be shown up, are obliged to enter this suicidal conflict against the Persians as a show of masculinity. In essence, gays are to blame for the Spartans getting involved. Sad scapegoating apparently goes back thousands of years.

This isn't the only outright homophobia in 300 either. At one point, we're treated to viewing Xerxes' concubine, which, of course, has a plethora of tongue-licking, erotic lesbians there as an enticement, and a number of activities that would make a typical S&M gathering look tame in comparison. Not to mention Xerxes himself, who's pierced to the nines and could easily double as a draq queen stand-in for Ru Paul, with all that makeup and those perfectly manicured long nails.

In other words, we're supposed to believe the Spartans are a bunch of masculine, white, heterosexual males fighting against an onslaught of diverse queers, freaks, and sexual deviants, despite the historical evidence that shows the Greeks were probably a bunch of pederasts who were probably more morally twisted than the Persians themselves ever were.

Conservative Politics

There is a strong undertone of "family values" being the drive behind the 300's choice to fight. They do so to protect their families and to ensure the sovereignty of Sparta. Supposedly, none of the Persians have families. Their only motivation is a bloodthirsty desire to bugger the residents of Greece and enslave all the hot Spartan women? Excuse me? Something just doesn't jive.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Perhaps the biggest flaw with 300 was also the most obvious. So obvious, in fact, that most people won't notice it at all. Here we have 300 men in the Battle of Thermopylae squaring off against 1 million+ Persians. According to history, the 300 successfully vanquished around 20,000 Persians. This, of course, begs the question: what happened to all the blood?

The fight choreography is stunningly poetic. Limbs get lobbed off and digital blood goes flying everywhere in slow motion in several scenes. But why is it that none of the Spartans are covered in blood? Not even their hands? Even their weapons look clean after supposed hours-long battles. Not that I wanted to see the blood, but there's something disturbingly wrong about a movie that exhibits all this violence like it's a pleasant music video, but conveniently leaves out all the blood. It's almost as if it's trying to say the act of killing is clean when it's a Persian who's being killed. Blood is a powerful symbol in storytelling. The decision to leave it out is very telling.

Only Hotties live in Sparta

From the start, it's explained that defective babies (namely, runts and those born with deformities) were discarded by the Spartans by being tossed off a cliff into a pile of bones below. This, apparently, has resulted in the world's most skilled warriors. So skilled, in fact, that they all sport perfect 6-packs as they walk toward battle, shirtless in all their conviction. Hollywood seems to have forgotten there was such a thing as a bronze breastplate. There is no room for deviation, either. Hunchbacks and old folk have no place in the Spartan army. In fact, there are no fat people, no ugly people, and no people with deformities in Sparta. Oh, and the women? They were all perfect 10's. Even the peasant working women.

Sexism

If there's anything 300 wants to get right, it's the depiction of how Spartans treated their women. Spartan women were, in fact, the leaders of their society. It was necessary for the women to be able to run things while their husbands were off fighting wars. Sparta was one of the only places in the Classical world where a girl could get an education. What's sad about 300, however, is the lack of many women at all in the story. There is one powerful woman in the film (the Queen) and she's fairly powerless, and ends up being victimized (and later vindicated, fortunately). The entire concept of femininity doesn't seem to exist in Sparta. Women are nothing but baby-making machines, even if they do produce Spartan men. There's something very wrong about showing this to teenage boys, mind you.

Despite all these issues (and I'm sure there are more that I didn't catch), 300 is a solid piece of beautiful celluloid work. It's quite gorgeous to look at, kind of like a Haute Couture model who's hiding an eating disorder and a nasty coke habit. But just as you wouldn't want your kids hanging out with Kate Moss, you should probably keep them from watching this one unless they have a sound enough mind to think for themselves. Sure, it's fun to watch America's Next Top Model, but would you really want to bring one home to mom? Sheesh.

Sifted: 8/10

The Lard Wars: What the Trans-Fat ban is Really About

I desperately want to believe the recent ban on trans-fat in New York is due to government finally acquiring a moral compass. I want to believe the ban is due to that city government's concern for its citizens, that the people at the top really do care about our health.

Los Angeles is now considering a trans-fat ban.

Considering the nation's eventual move toward a national Health Plan, it makes complete sense to force a ban on people now. After all, it's okay for you to have a triple bypass when you (or your insurance) are paying for it. But once everyone has a government health plan, guess who benefits from keeping medical costs low?

Maybe I'm just cynical, but here's my timeline of what will eventually take place in The Lard Wars:

• 2007 - 2012: National ban on trans-fat. Warning labels required on food. ID required to purchase Hagen Daz. If someone wants to eat tasty Onion rings, they'll have to buy them in Puerto Vallarta, or Toronto. You can buy them on the Internet, from a dealer in the Philippines, provided you can afford enough Internet access to endure the 10-minute long order process. As a patriotic American, you will be expected to tolerate fried cardboard. "Don't worry, it tastes better with imitation salt and sugar-free, soy ketchup."

• 2008 - 2015: "Unhealthy Food Tax" implemented on all "junk foods." White bread is now considered taboo to eat in public. People who eat sandwiches on white bread with mayonnaise or cheese are referred to as Whiteheads. Can't afford Micky-D's? Well, French Fries are a luxury for the haves, so be thankful you can buy them on payday, when you can afford to splurge a little; don't complain! By now, you usually eat at the Broccoli barn (where there will be no real Velveeta, incidentally) and you like it, because the other option is incarceration.
  
  
• 2009-2015: Universal National Health Care Plan "... for the children," (who will inevitably breed their own back-alley Crisco dealing gangs). 2018: First Trans-Fat related murder, as victim gets shot down in robbery of black-market candybars.
  

• 2010 - 2018: Ban gradually relaxed for the wealthy. If you can afford your own medical procedures, you won't need to pay penalties for extra-tasty foods. If you're on The Plan, you'll be incarcerated for owning a deep-fryer or "suspicious" oils. Thanks to the old Patriot Act, grandma got raided last week. She's in jail for "Trans Paraphernalia," whatever that means....

• 2013: Government-funded Public Service Announcement. "Where did you learn about frying Potatoes in animal fat, Johnny?" "I learned it from watching you, dad, I learned it from watching you!!!"

• 2020: Scientists run new chemical analysis proving long-held hypothesis that Trans-Fat is actually good for you.
  

Apple TV Underhyped

Perhaps more intriguing than the massively hyped iPhone is the release of Apple TV. This is a promising gadget that extends your media from your computer to your TV.

An iPhone is a nice toy, but it doesn't really re-invent the wheel. It's a phone, people! Get over it!

Apple TV, on the other hand, is the true innovation here. It offers viewers the ability to sync all their media between their computers (up to 5) and their TV. The implications of such a device are mindboggling. Every TV show, movie, Mp3, photo, and so on, can be uploaded (wired, or via WiFi) to the Apple TV box, where you can then watch (or listen) on your television. Now think of the fact that this will run you a mere $299. This is clearly an answer to the overbearing cable box that takes a chunk out of your wallet every month. Buy one of these, cut off your oppressive cable (yeah you, Comcast, you thieves), and you can recoup your expenses in a few short months.

My only complaint is the tiny 40 GB drive. Most downloaded movies run about 5 GB, so the Apple TV may be a temporary storage device that only functions to shuttle video, rather than store it. Fortunately, you will also be able to stream media directly from your computers (up to 5 of them), bypassing Apple TV's hard drive entirely.

I've never been a fan of Apple products. Being an avid gamer, I can't conceive of buying a Powerbook and dooming my addiction; but I might have to look more closely at what can be done with Apple TV. Sure, an iPhone will be a nice toy (once I can afford the hefty $499 price for the entry model), but the Apple TV is a killer app that could be more useful to me right now.

Game Review: Tony Hawk: Project 8 (PS2)

First off, they should have titled this game:

Usability Disaster Skating: Punishment 8

I haven't really been into the Tony Hawk franchise of games since, oh, ... college; (I won't date myself by telling you how long ago that was--or the versions of the games I played, for that matter).

Suffice it to say, Neversoft has finally ridden this franchise into an ugly nosedive, ala skateboarding on gravel. It's difficult to say why. Some might say the original audience for the game has mostly outgrown skateboarding. Others could say there are better games being produced these days. Still others would say the franchise has become too difficult to enjoy. I would agree with all those assessments. And to those I would add that the development of this game must have been done without players in mind.

I picked this game up, thinking I would be skateboarding again soon, with a low re-education or re-training time. After all, I had been a decent video game skater back in the day. I should be able to pick it up fairly quickly, ... right?

Thank god I only rented it.

The goal here is to raise your ranking from #200 and get into the top eight. You will, of course, need to hunt down secret tokens, grind many pools, and perform mini-missions to climb the rankings. If you finish enough challenges, you'll be placed in the elite Project 8. If you can get there without smashing your controllers against a wall first, good luck.

Gameplay
The main failure of Tony Hawk is that gameplay has eroded to the size of Nicole Richie's wrists. I haven't skateboarded in years, so I decided to go through the Tutorial portion of the game. Certain elements were simple and straightforward enough. For instance, if you press the X Button, you go forward. Now stay with me. If you release the X button, you "Ollie", or jump. Okay. Simple enough.

Soon I realize I need to press a number of other buttons in various sequences to perform a certain trick while in the air. Not just one button press, mind you, but several, in very quick succession.

Very quickly, Tony Hawk's tutoring becomes a form of very sadistic finger torture.

I was taught I could do a "Manual" trick, that is, a trick on the board while standing relatively still. And this is where the game starts losing all of its charm for me. I finally realize I'm going to be punished, oh so horribly, from here on out. Damn you, Tony Hawk ... damn you.

See, when you perform a "Manual" trick, you go into some weird mode where you need to use the left thumbstick with really quick and subtle movements to maintain your balance. That's not a big deal. But then I'm told I need to press certain buttons AT THE SAME TIME. I'm sorry, I only have two thumbs. Apparently I can't move them fast enough.

The biggest problem with gameplay in Tony Hawk is usability. You will need to learn an entirely new finger language to play this game well. This is challenging, for most people, me included. And I'm fairly dexterous, considering my age. Frankly, I'm not ready to commit to an entirely new pattern set just to ride a video game Skateboard.

While I would prefer a Universal Finger Pattern that could be applied to all games, I also support a call to game developers to provide players with open-ended, configurable control schemes. Let us choose which buttons to push to perform certain tricks. That allows for infinitely more interesting gameplay and even personal styles of skating between players. Clearly, Tony Hawk needs to implement better Role Playing Game elements. I mean, if you're going to make a player choose his skater, and clothes, why not give him the option to choose his skating style as well?

Which brings us to graphics.

Graphics (or 3 Ugly Mugs)

What year is this? 2007, you say? Coulda fooled me with this game. From the start of the Career, we're asked to choose between three skaters. A Skinny White Boy Punk, a pudgy Kid, or a Black dude in baggy clothes. I didn't see any Asians, Hispanic, or female faces. Maybe they don't skate?

Choosing one of those 3 archetypal figures, I'm then allowed to choose between three additional faces. In other words, I can be black (with one of three available faces--oh, apparently one of them is lighter complected, maybe Puerto Rican), a child (with 3 other faces), or a white dude (with three more faces). Why they didn't just give me 9 characters to choose from at the start is perplexing, but maybe there's some hidden mystery here?

Nah, it's just plain stupid design.

There doesn't seem to be any skill difference between any of these characters. No visible advantage to picking one skater over another. I pick one. Simple enough. I deck him out in some typical skater gear and I'm off to Training.

Once I got out of training, having abandoned the notion of ever learning how to properly "Grind, Wally, Grind, Sticker Slap," I started the Career. From the start, you're placed in a very confined gaming space, where you're expected to perform a succession of tricks, all while travelling very fast. This was just too much of a test for me. I'm afraid I'm not commited to learning "Tony Hawkian" on my controller.

There's not much to be said about the AI. You're not really racing opponents in this game, so much as performing tricks and "ollies" over obstacles. See, the multiplayer is nowhere to be found on this version. Sure, you can play split-screen with a buddy, but don't even think about getting some online action going.

Physics are somewhat baffling. I found it more difficult to balance my player in the game than I would have on an actual skateboard! When your player loses his balance, he falls, HARD. So hard he spurts out blood. Unfortunately, this results in having to wait about two seconds while some off screen phantom hurls you a new skateboard so you can re-crack your noggin.

Audio
Sound is adequate. The music is appropriate, but somewhat lame. It's not a racing game, so I don't expect hardcore techno or hip-hop, but I do expect something more upbeat. Maybe some good punk music to go with your punk skater dude. But I specifically recall the music delving a bit into the late-night, after-hours, chill-out room ambiance. Definitely boring for boarding.
Sound effects were okay, but there didn't seem to be much background noise, just the sound of your board screeching over pavement. Kinda boring.

Utilities
Menus were simple to understand. There wasn't much commotion involved with getting around in the game itself.

Problems

• A failure in the gameplay usability department. Too many technical requirements to have an enjoyable skating experience. High learning curve without much payoff.
• Lame level design that will leave you asking why you've been locked in a large skatepark that looks like the suburbs.
  
• What's the point? Whoopee, I pulled a Goofy 180, Vert Ollie, Manual Grind, Wallie, Sticker Slap!
• Fleecing America's youth one last time? For shame, Tony, for shame.

Conclusion
This game sucks. I hope you didn't spend your Christmas money on it. If you enjoy a certain amount of punishment, rent it and flog away.

Sifted: 5/10

Website: TV Links

This is the best website I've come across in, oh, all year. Get caught up on all your favorite shows.

What I wonder is: why can't our cable company offer us this same service? After all, we already pay upwards of $50/month. One would think being able to watch anything in the lineup would be a great add-on. And no, On Demand just doesn't cover it.

Okay, so the legality of this site is questionable, so who knows how long it'll stay up, but at least you don't really need to download anything. It plays right on the website's player. Too cool.

[TV Links]

TV: Dexter (SHOW)

Dexter easily qualifies as one of my favorite new shows this year. The story of a serial killer who works in Miami Homicide as a Blood Spatter Specialist. The concept is so very meta--about a serial killer who kills murderers. You'll find yourself feeling a bit disturbed the first few times you find yourself rooting for him to actually kill someone.

Sifted: 10/10

The first season just ended, which means there will be a DVD coming shortly so everyone can get caught up. If you can't wait, however, here's a hook up where you can watch the whole season. Don't say I never gave you anything.

[TV Links - Dexter]

TV: America's Next Top Model (CW)

So, I haven't bothered entering the fray regarding this masterpiece of reality programming because it's just so obvious! America's Next Top Model (CW - Wednesdays 8/7c) is truly one of the best shows on TV these days, exploiting the very fabric of 2nd Generation Reality TV programming in such a way that it will be a cold day in hell before this show falls out of primetime. The formula is simple: put a bunch of cute wannabe models in a house and have them compete for cash and prizes. Not only is this appealing to female viewers, but to males as well. This is a show that has truly been designed to appeal to everyone. Even Twiggy is there, representing for all the old birds has beens!

Perhaps the best thing about this program is how these ladies are tied to contracts that extend beyond the production. Winning the title is not only good for the model, but undoubtedly benefits the show as well. It's a win win!

Already, we're seeing members of the cast doing spin-offs (Jay Manuel has a show on fashion, and Tyra Banks has her own talkshow).

Who doesn't like a bunch of petty, catty women, always on the verge of scratching each others eyes out? Especially when they're hot!

Sifted: 10/10

Note to Miss Jay: Lose the Flock of Seagulls hair. You don't look like a bird of paradise; you look like a turd with spikes clown in a headvice.

PS. So long, Brooke (bottom row, center). Sorry you missed your graduation to be on one of the best TV programs of your generation.

Movie: Cache (2005) 10/10!

Cache (2005) Directed by Michael Haneke Writing credits Michael Haneke (screenplay)

I am not a fan of highbrow cinema, or movies that bombard me with pseudo-intellectual banter and boring interactions between banal characters. That said, Cache was nothing short of brilliant, compelling moviemaking the likes of which I have rarely seen. Yes, it's French. Yes, there are subtitles. Yes, you will be left at the end of the movie with a feeling of disappointment. But this is a very subtle, thought-provoking film.

Don't bother watching this if you feel like watching the typical shoot-em-up American action movie. This is not a Hollywood turd, after all. This is fine French cinema.

The plot has to do with a family being harrassed by an anonymous stalker who sends them numerous videos of themselves living their mundane lives. They begin to feel a sense of dread as they realize they are under surveillance by someone with the ability to remain completely hidden. As the story progresses, the father begins to realize there may be a connection with someone from his past. The end will likely leave most Americans bewildered. When you rent this DVD, make sure to watch the interview with the director after watching the film; it goes a long way to explain the befuddling ending and making you feel at peace with the open-endedness of this fine piece of work.

Don't expect anyone to get shot; it's not that kind of movie. The psychological tautness is what this story is really about. But you can expect to cringe and exclaim "WTF!" during one scene that is sure to make your mouth drop.

----
Addendum: Aug, 18th, 1:30 PM:

On second thought, after having time to reflect on this film's utter genius, I have decided to give it a 10/10 rating. Not trying to be pretentious, just sayin': Yeah, it's that good.

But note: you really have to be in the mood for something melancholy, slow-paced, and fixated with somewhat mundane parts of life. Paraphrasing the director in the interview: "This is a story that can be told in any country. Every country has this story to tell."

Sifted: 10/10