The Lard Wars: What the Trans-Fat ban is Really About

I desperately want to believe the recent ban on trans-fat in New York is due to government finally acquiring a moral compass. I want to believe the ban is due to that city government's concern for its citizens, that the people at the top really do care about our health.

Los Angeles is now considering a trans-fat ban.

Considering the nation's eventual move toward a national Health Plan, it makes complete sense to force a ban on people now. After all, it's okay for you to have a triple bypass when you (or your insurance) are paying for it. But once everyone has a government health plan, guess who benefits from keeping medical costs low?

Maybe I'm just cynical, but here's my timeline of what will eventually take place in The Lard Wars:

• 2007 - 2012: National ban on trans-fat. Warning labels required on food. ID required to purchase Hagen Daz. If someone wants to eat tasty Onion rings, they'll have to buy them in Puerto Vallarta, or Toronto. You can buy them on the Internet, from a dealer in the Philippines, provided you can afford enough Internet access to endure the 10-minute long order process. As a patriotic American, you will be expected to tolerate fried cardboard. "Don't worry, it tastes better with imitation salt and sugar-free, soy ketchup."

• 2008 - 2015: "Unhealthy Food Tax" implemented on all "junk foods." White bread is now considered taboo to eat in public. People who eat sandwiches on white bread with mayonnaise or cheese are referred to as Whiteheads. Can't afford Micky-D's? Well, French Fries are a luxury for the haves, so be thankful you can buy them on payday, when you can afford to splurge a little; don't complain! By now, you usually eat at the Broccoli barn (where there will be no real Velveeta, incidentally) and you like it, because the other option is incarceration.
  
  
• 2009-2015: Universal National Health Care Plan "... for the children," (who will inevitably breed their own back-alley Crisco dealing gangs). 2018: First Trans-Fat related murder, as victim gets shot down in robbery of black-market candybars.
  

• 2010 - 2018: Ban gradually relaxed for the wealthy. If you can afford your own medical procedures, you won't need to pay penalties for extra-tasty foods. If you're on The Plan, you'll be incarcerated for owning a deep-fryer or "suspicious" oils. Thanks to the old Patriot Act, grandma got raided last week. She's in jail for "Trans Paraphernalia," whatever that means....

• 2013: Government-funded Public Service Announcement. "Where did you learn about frying Potatoes in animal fat, Johnny?" "I learned it from watching you, dad, I learned it from watching you!!!"

• 2020: Scientists run new chemical analysis proving long-held hypothesis that Trans-Fat is actually good for you.