Movie: The Covenant (2006)

Directed by Renny Harling (of The Long Kiss Goodnight and Die Hard 2 fame - yes, I mean that facetiously). Starring a bunch of relative nobodies, this flick looked promising when I picked it up from VideoRama. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

A group of four teenage boys who go by the nickname "The Sons of Ipswitch," possess a long-held secret. They're the descendants of 5 families of witches dating back to the 17th century. They have special powers that have led them to unparalleled levels of popularity among their circle of nubile nymphets. Little do they know, however, that there's a member of the fifth family (thought to have been eliminated during the Salem witch hunt) among them. Not only does this intruder want to take away their power, but he also threatens to usurp their popularity. So it's on!

It's The Lost Boys meets Laguna Beach, meets Powerball Z, and boy does it suck. The sons of Ipswitch all come from old money, while the villain threatens to upset their status quo. I don't know about you, but I'm rooting for the bad guy this time. Those spoiled rich kids need to learn a lesson. If only....

Special Effects are exemplary, featuring a head-on collision between a Mustang and a semi truck. The Mustang disintegrates into thousands of little pieces, only to be re-assembled moments beyond the crash. This, unfortunately, was the high point (aside from one other sequence involving a motorcycle, which I won't spoil for you, even though I should). There just aren't enough visual moments like these to carry the film. The final battle ends up looking like a mangled blue-screen escapade, where two square off in a dark barn and hurl CGI blobs of energy goo at each other. Crude metaphor? Definitely.

The Soundtrack was entertaining, but not much else about this film would withstand more than a cursory analysis.

I actually fell asleep while watching this. And I never fall asleep while I'm watching movies. That attests to just how boring this actually was. If you have 1 hr. 37 minutes to spare, spend it learning how to crochet, because wasting it on The Covenant will make you wish you'd gauged your eyes out with a knitting needle.

Great quotes from Rotten Tomatoes:

• "I think the men were cast more for their abs than their acting."
• "Cleverly takes the lure of illegal drugs and links it to super powers."
• "WB-style homoerotic teen escapism." (Damn, that's cold, but ever so true).
• "Flying scenes, frat-boy face-offs and pyrotechnic punch-ups are punctuated by excruciating expository dialogue."

Sifted: 3/10